take my husband, PLEASE

these are things about dan that cause me to dream about putting a steak knife in his neck and collecting the insurance money:

he spends 20 minutes in the shower EVERY SINGLE DAY. what the fuck is he doing in there? fuck if i know!

when i announce that the house is filthy and everyone must help me clean, dan decides this is a perfect time to start cleaning his office, or even better, the junk drawer. i nearly killed him before thanksgiving when i am scrubbing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and he comes to me with the following: "hey, why the hell do we have 'icing that writes' in the house? do we really need this? there must be 3 packages of this crap in the drawer. and what about all those screws? what is up with that? are you saving them for some craft project with the kids. boy there sure is a lot of junk in that drawer!" no shit, it is a junk drawer.

at least 3 mornings every week dan will ask, "do i have any clean socks?" while looking in his sock drawer. as if i am the keeper of all clean socks. mine, they are all mine, hee hee hee! i am not sharing!

he insists, REALLY INSISTS that his nighttable be free of all "kid debris" no action figures, no hair clips, no "notes" no nothing! he must remove all items every night before he goes to sleep. why? there must be room for the laptop, cell phone, iPod, MacWorld magazine, dental floss and about 1,000 receipts from various purchases including a sub sandwhich, cd, socks (a silent protest against me) and various parts of computer equipment.

he puts my bras in the drier -- AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR 12 YEARS! DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS BY NOW!!!!

in the morning, when i am running around like a headless chicken, attempting to get the kids ready for school without killing them, he will stand in the middle of the hallway and ask: "what can i do?" capture the naked girl that just ran past you and put some underwear on her. or, take the toothpaste away from your son before he eats the entire tube.

he will come home from work and find me in a puddle of tears and ask, "what is the deal with dinner?"


this is how he saves himself from death:

toilet seat is always down.
trips to taco bell at 1:30 am.
new roll of toilet paper on holder.
brings home chai tea from starbucks -- venti-sized.
flowers for no reason.
diamond ring.
absolute devotion to his family.
folds clean laundry.
puts clean laundry away.
sings to me in the shower.
loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.
buys new sponges for kitchen sink.
puts kids to bed regularly.
reads to his kids, and likes it.
fills my gas tank, and wiper fluid.
tucks me into bed.
puts my clean pj's under my pillow.

ok, i guess i will keep him. i just needed to vent.....