battlelines are being drawn, motherfucker!

I am engaged in a moral and ethical war for the soul of my husband. I have been a strong force in his life, but lately I have sensed a new and powerful force in our galaxy. I sense this presence to be an evil one. One for whom there is an insatiable thirst for more. More of this more of that. I have tried diligently to turn Dan away from this evil force, to instill in him our mantra: “do I really need this, or is this just a want?” However, the dark one has it’s own mantra: “it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission.”

The worst part about this moral war is that the dark force has the upper hand. Damian actually works with Dan and so has his ear from 9:00 am until 5:00 pm. This has forced me to make several “check in calls” during the day. Oh sure, I pretend that I am “just calling to say that I miss you” or that I am “just thinking about you.” But really, I am saying: “STAY AWAY FROM THAT DEMON SEED!! FUCK GOING OUT TO LUNCH; HE ONLY WANTS YOU TO GO TO BEST BUY OR CIRCUIT CITY WITH HIM. SAY NO. STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHT!!!!”

I fear that my “love you’s” are falling on deaf ears. I can hear the distraction in Dan’s voice when I call. When I ask if he is really busy at work he replies, “ahhhhh, yeah…..(pause)……I just need to finish this…..ahhhhhh….thing up….ahhhh…..so, yeah…..can I call you later……” Oh hell no! I know what this means. He needs to finish something up so that he can “just run out with DAMIAN on some errands.” Dan will come home full of stories of all the purchases DAMIAN has made. Dan will pretend to be mystified at the ease at which DAMIAN can spend money without consulting his moral compass, meaning his wife. He will shake his head and mutter, “I don’t know how those guys can do it.” But what he really is thinking is: “easier to beg forgiveness….”

I have taken drastic measures by ichatting with Dan during the day. This is time consuming and difficult because one can’t do dishes or laundry while ichatting. This is why the phone had been my weapon of choice, but I am forced to adapt. DAMIAN is an elusive creature who uses his cell phone, (which I must memorize on our caller id), to contact Dan. This weekend I thought we, rather Dan, would be safe from contact. But DAMIAN does not hold Easter as a holy day. There is no greater holy day for evil spirits like DAMIAN than release dates for things like computers or the new playstation. Do you people see what I am up against?

A few weeks ago I was gloating. Dan was getting his vasectomy, which wasn’t easy on either of us. I convinced him, without much trouble, that I was entering the “danger age range” for women taking birth control bills. We knew we didn’t want any more monkeys, and I am not getting any younger or healthier, so this made sense. When DAMIAN and his little serfs balked at Dan undergoing this minor procedure, Dan stood his ground, even informing DAMIAN and his manservants that it was in their wives best interest to have this procedure. I was glowing with pride, until Dan said: “yeah, and besides, none of us husbands want our wives to die of cancer……that would leave us with all the kids.” DAMN YOU EVIL SPIRIT!!

Of course, DAMIAN has been very comforting to Dan during his recovery, which is the world’s longest. I can just picture Dan at work, limping around, whimpering softly, and here comes DAMIAN to comfort him. He swoops down, covering Dan with his black velvet cape (DAMIAN has a thing for black velvet) whispering in Dan’s ear: “buddy, you don’t look so good. You need to come out with us at lunch. We are going to the apple store to check out the FILL IN THE BLANK WITH SOME USELESS GAGET. Come with us, I’ll even buy you lunch. Do you mind if we stop at best buy on the way?” Of course Dan doesn’t mind. I mind!

DAMIAN has even suggested that Dan may want to go on a “boy’s weekend away” to get away from it all….meaning get away from his wife and all rational thinking. He is unholy! The forces of good and evil are deep in battle and it doesn’t help that Dan has been home all weekend with two very crabby kids. DAMIAN offers a life of luxury, with lots of useless and expensive toys. The lure of this Kavorka is strong. I see myself showing up at Dan’s work with a can of garlic spray and a meijer’s shopping list that has feminine hygiene products on it. I mean business! I have put a great deal of time and effort and mental conditioning to keep Dan on the straight and narrow and I am not about to give up his soul now.

DAMIAN, you will go down in flames. I have been hiding all kinds of mailers from Dan. And I can ichat until my fingers bleed. I will not lose!!!!