eclipse

when i least expect it, i slip. a darkness passess over the warm sunlight and i find i am lost. it is dark and i am lost. how can i explain what it is that happens. i am not prepared. but then again, how does one prepare to have the rug pulled out from under you? when i lay down at night, i feel myself slipping away into sleep and suddenly i am awake. panic floods my body. ice runs thru my veins. my heart pounds in my chest. all the mistakes made that day hit me in the face. all the mistakes from yesterday, all the yesterdays crash thru my brain. i open and shut my eyes, blinking it away, but all i can see are tiny points of light that cut into my line of vision. i can't catch my breath. then the feeling of panic passes and i am left with shame. shame and self-loathing pour into me and fill me up. why? why? why? i can't answer that question. all i know is how i feel. i am tired, but i can't sleep. i pace the house, seeing all the things i should do to take my mind off my mind, but i can't. i look over at the clock and am amazed, how did the last hour pass? i push my rosary beads deeper into my hands, praying to mother mary to bring me strength, courage, and peace of mind. help me to rise to the task. help push that dark away from the light. let me feel the warmth again. how long will this last? will it be gone by morning? can i pull myself together before i pick up my children? will they see the darkness in me? can they feell how hollow i feel inside? how can i tell them it isn't about them? how can i make them understand when i don't? how do i even explain this to myself?