panic

It is a mystery. One minute I am reading, the next I realize I have fallen asleep and begun dreaming. Then, I reach up and turn off my light. The minute the room goes dark, my mind begins to race. Instantly I am awake. I can feel the blood racing in my veins. Images fly through my brain; I pathetically attempt to swat them away with no success. I tell myself, let it go, don’t think about it, but in the end there is a giant elephant in my room. Not just in my room, but in my bed, lying on my face, smothering me. I can’t sleep. I don’t understand why. I am tired, exhausted even, and yet I know I will listen to the BBC news until NPR begins at 5 am. The news isn’t good. Even the “lightest” story will cause me distress. Tonight there is a story about the Simpson’s. I have enjoyed the Simpson’s for many years, not so much since the kids started taking an interest in what was actually on TV, but I like the late night reruns. However, this nice story about the Simpson’s made me think about how old I was when I began watching the Simpson’s and how much time I have wasted in my life.

This is a reoccurring issue with me, especially late at night when I can’t sleep. All the time I have wasted. All the things I was supposed to do with my life. I hear this voice in my head, screaming: ENGAGE IN YOUR DAILY LIFE!! GET MOTIVATED!! I hate this voice. I hate the world inside my head. I hate all the little “bugs” that swarm around my tiny brain, keeping me tense and nervous as the clock moves from 1:24 am to 3:21 am. SWAT!

I scratch the new mosquito bite on my thigh and switch tactics. Reading will make me fall asleep, but not stay asleep. TV has been a real disappointment lately, and causes Dan to fidget and say, “Turn it off and go to sleep.” This is what I tell my own children when I hear them “fooling around” in their rooms way past bedtime. Just go to sleep! Whenever they protest, “but I can’t” the answer is always, “sure you can, I’ve seen you do it.” Fuck me! I am such an asshole. I’ll add this to my list of ways in which I am failing my children on a daily basis. SWAT!

So, how shall I pass the time tonight? Last night I spent 2 hours shaking the bed as a means of ending Dan’s relentless sore-fest. Never mind the gentle shake or “gee honey, could you roll over?” no, I’m pissed. Not that he is snoring; god knows before my tonsils were removed I could shake the roof. I resent his ability to fall asleep and stay asleep. Even when he is stressed he can fall right to sleep. This is what makes me want to put a serving fork into the neck of the man I adore more than life itself.

Maybe I read some news on line. Or maybe I can read that blog from the girl in Germany who had an enormous amount of cat pictures on her site. I can’t read or understand anything on her site, but the cat pictures fascinate me. I am not even sure if they are cats. Maybe they are just large mice. SWAT!

I need to move out of my head. SWAT!