swimming in the deep river of denial

this is what i should be doing. i should be cleaning my house RIGHT NOW. the babysitter is coming early this afternoon so that dan and i can go out for the evening. this means i have about 3 hours to put my house in order. i am not moving. i am sitting here contemplating what needs to be done and where i should begin. really this is just procrastination, but i am pretending that i am forming a plan of action.

the boy's room. my son's room smells. smells bad. i don't know why or what is causing this smell. he has no food, no strange animals, no toxic chemicals and yet, his room has an odor. it is a combination of feet and pent-up energy. i asked dan this morning, "WHAT IS IT?" his reply, "boy." his room smells like boy, pure and simple and incredibly stinky.

evita's domain. picture a room in which you can't see the floor because of the 1,000's of hair clips, pretty ponies, polly pocket pieces, dental floss (all pulled out of the container) and my maxi pads (some opened, some not). i asked evita, "what is going on in here?" her reply, "i am working on something." ok. fine. WHAT IS IT AND WHY MUST ALL OF MY MAXI PADS BE INVOLVED?

the basement. oh fuck off. can't i just put caution tape across the stairs and deny entrance?

the kitchen. come on people, throw me a bone.

the living room. this i can handle. i simply will take an empty laundry basket, fill it with all the stuff from the living room, put this in the basement, and then run the vaccuum. there all done. that wasn't so bad. now that i am all done i can take a quick nap, put my feet up and eat some bon-bons. ahh, this is the life.

crap. ok, now i need to go and clean. don't ask me why i need to clean for the babysitter. if you are asking this question you simply are not insane enough to understand the inner workings of my twisted brain. don't you know that all babysitters secretly work for child protective services. they come to your house and once you leave they start their inspection. how clean is the house? are the children wearing clean clothes? do their rooms smell of feet? is there any decent food for these kids to eat?

true story: last time dan and i went out, upon returning home our babysitter greeted me with the following:

"yeah, um emma peed all over herself so i had to give her a bath." (shit, the tub is one place that i never clean before she comes. the bottom of the tub is full of empty shampoo bottles that nik must have and barbie heads that emma loves. there is hardly any room for kids at all.)

"and, um, i gave them a hot dog because i thought they should eat something besides cookies, chips and pop. hot dogs were the only things i could find." (fuck!!!!!! can someone please scrape me off the bottom of her shoe? am i the worst mother? obviously the answer is yes.)

"they were so hyper, probably from all the sugar, they totally crashed. and i couldn't find their pajama's."

i expect to hear from the authorities at any second. now do you see why i must participate in this charade that my house is always clean, as are the children and that i have provided healthy things for them to eat? now do you see? this is why i hate going out at all. what the fuck was dan thinking by making me go out on a friday night? why must i do this. cleaning and i must make myself presentable, as well. now do you see why i am just sitting here?

i am going to end it. i am going to go into nik's room and close the door. hopefully the fumes will do me in and i won't have to go tonight. farewell.......