wwjd?

let me start by saying i am a roman catholic. i want this to be very clear. i wasn't born a catholic. far from it. my parents, both raised catholic, decided that it was in their children's best interest to not inforce any set beliefs onto their kid's young minds. instead, my parents preached education and world travel. they expected my sister and i to go to college, get a degree, travel thru europe and then move out on our own. marriage and children were never mentioned. my mother's thought was, "why marry? go see italy before it falls into the ocean. children? i didn't even have you until i was 36. by then i had a job and a plan for my life. surely your plan involves something other than getting married?"

um, well, it did. my perfect sister did exactly what was expected of her. she did go away to school (4 years at UofM and didn't see a single football game, much to the old man's chagrin). after graduation, she did travel for 2 months thru europe, got a fashionable haircut and slept on a boat in Amsterdam that carried in hash, and drank her way thru germany. upon returning home, she promptly moved out of my folk's house into a house with her boyfriend. the same boyfriend that she later married some 10 years later, once she was 5 months pregnant. never once did religion play a role in her life. her husband is jewish, but never saw the inside of a synagoge. since her children have expressed an interest, she provides both a christmas tree and a menora. although, she says that christmas trees have nothing to do with "all that jesus crap."

all that jesus crap.

well, i was supposed to follow her example. however, when i was 6 my dad's mother came to live with us. at the time, she had terminal cancer and had decided that she did not want to die in a hospital. she had been a devout catholic her whole life, and i can imagine it was hard for her to see her oldest son did not share her passion for a religious life. my grandmother never spoke to me about religion, but her religion surrounded her. her home was full of religious statues, she attended mass daily, and when she was living with us she brought the aura of her religion with her. her faith was so much a part of her. it was not something she separated from herself. instead her faith was simply part of her genetic makeup. i would always check on her after i returned home from school and i would often find her quietly praying the rosary. when i would ask her what that necklace was, she simply replied, "oh, just some faith beads." the faith beads were quickly tucked away under her blanket. she respected that my parents did not want me undully influenced into any faith. there was always an air of respect between my deeply religious grandmother and my communist parents.

those were the days. the whole idea of respecting someone's opinion, EVEN IF IT DIFFERS FROM YOURS is non-existant now.

i did not undertake my coversion to catholicism easily. it took a total of 3 1/2 years for the entire process to end. and it is not really an ending, but rather a beginning of my religious life. i spent most of those 3 plus years learning about the church's views on various issues. i wanted to understand why the church felt the way it does. part of me was afraid that i would become a right-wing religious nut. i feared becoming one of those hated women who stand out in front of abortion clinics, holding up a poster of a fetus. or, i would start questioning the right of men to live with men and raise children. i actually lost sleep thinking i was going to completely change who i was as a person.

i did change. completely. but not the way i thought i would. i am catholic. in fact, i am the church's worst nightmare. i am pro-choice, believe in birth control, don't give a shit about gay people getting married or having children AND i understand the church's views on such social issues. i have actually read the catechism that shapes the church's teachings AND i respect their position. it just has not become my position. i really do pray twice daily. i spend that time thanking god for my blessings and asking for help. not to make me that catholic the church feels i should be, but help to make me more like my grandmother. i don't want my faith to be something separate from my daily life, but rather part of my daily life. i don't have to go around converting every one around me. if someone asks me, i have no problem saying i am a catholic. but, don't ask me to defend my beliefs or my church. my faith is mine and mine alone.

i didn't try this religion on for size. i have made a committment to this faith, for me and my family. religion has become such a touchy subject, mostly because people try and convince you that their faith is the best or the only path to god. i can't tell other people what to believe. i don't even like to tell people why i choose the path i did. all i can say is that it is between me and jesus.

and yes, i do have a personal relationship with the son of my savior. and why shouldn't i? he brings me great comfort. who else can comfort me when i am wallowing in self-pity, overwhelmed by parenthood, frustrated at being me? good old, JC! can i get a whoop whoop for the big guy? i find it annoying when i hear people say that jesus instructed them to do such and such. as if jesus has nothing better to do then tell miserable, petty people that they should openly pass judgement on the world around them. yeah, that's the message i hear in church every week: "be mean and petty. judge those around you. hold humanity in contempt. be vocal about your hate." wwjd? i shudder to think what he would make of the world today.

of course, the 3 plus years that i studied to become catholic were really hard on my parents, who feared what would become of me. well, i survived and so did they. no, i am not going to attempt to bring them back to the church, even if it would get me bonus points with god. just as they are happy without god in their lives, i am happy with god in my life. what i have become is less tolerant of those "religious" people who make a showcase of their religion at the expense of people around them. i ask to be more understanding and patient with humanity in general, but these people push my buttons.

what can i say, i am a work in progress. hey, even the world took a few days and we are still working out the kinks.