about a boy

there is such a dynamic within my son. he is both loving and.... what is the other word for this behavior?

on the weekend, nik and i were watching a trio of humphrey bogart movies. during the maltese falcon, emma asked why the lady was crying. i explained that mary astor had murdered someone and was going to jail. emma persisted in asking why did she have to go to jail. nik was so practical and explained:

"she killed miles. miles was his partner. sam isn't going down for her. she is going to down for killing miles. it is what a man has to do when is partner has been killed."

emma accepted this without question. someone kills your partner, pretty lady or not, you've got to send them over for it.


the last couple of days have been dark ones for me. and of course, my kids must bear the brunt of my mixed emotions. this morning was especially difficult for us. the whole process of getting the kids into the car and on their way to school can be exhausting for all of us. this morning was quite icky.

as a result, nik made a picture for me in school today. this is a picture of me saying, "i don't like you." and nik crying with a broken heart. this has left me with an indescribeable feeling in my soul. i have never uttered these words to either of my children. in fact, i make a point of saying their decisions make me upset and that there is nothing they can do that would ever make me not love them anymore. am i not making my point? obviously not.

apparently my dark moods are not mine alone. how does he know how sad i have been? how does he know i don't sleep? that i come home after dropping them at school and cry? children are very smart and nik is extremely sensitive. how can i explain that my feelings have nothing to do with him. the fact that he doesn't remember his backpack or takes 20 minutes to get dressed in the morning is not the reason i hate myself. my darkness is not mine alone. this is one of those things that you don't think of before you have a child. your own worries and demons are no longer just yours. my son is sometimes more aware that i am sad than i am. my face holds no secrets. and this makes me very sad.

after a heart-to-heart this evening, i tell nik that i am a mommy, but that i am not perfect. he likes and understands the idea that even mommies make mistakes. he offered me encouragement by saying, "even if you make a mistake, i will still love you." i assured him this went both ways. he has trouble understanding that he is not capable of losing my love. he believes that he will do something so horrible that i will just forget about him. this is something i don't understand, but i hate that he feels that way. to me, this is a failure on my part. how can i change this? i promised him we would take things one day at a time. this he understands. this is also something i can handle. the concept of child-rearing is just so big i can't get my brain around it. i can't even think about next year, not even this summer. i must take each day for what it brings. i can't put off improving my mothering skills until next week, next month. i will focus on tomorrow. i will wake up and stand tall. i will take all the little missteps on the chin and move forward.

i must also be able to let the bad go, as nik does. when saying goodnight tonight he gave me a hug and said, "let's not talk about that picture anymore." i assured him that i would grant this wish, even though i was desperate to tell him how important this picture is to me. the fact that he could illustrate his feelings, as well as, communicate his feelings makes me proud. i can't explain to him how important this picture is for me as a mother. instead i just can say, "sure thing boo" and leave it at that.

the thing about this boy is that he will leave it at that. if he does think about the picture again, he will remember our conversation, the hugs, the way his mom came clean about not being perfect, and he will be ok with that. here is where he and i differ. if i think about that picture again, i will remember his heart being broken...and i will not be able to forgive myself. when i grow up, i want to be like nik.