yo mama no love you no mo

it is official. my mother does not love me anymore. i knew this would happen. in fact, i have just been waiting for it to happen. and now it has....

i was at my breaking point on sunday morning. it had been a loooooong week riddled with extra "harvest feast" stress with a deadly combo of drama thrown in. by friday evening i was in tears, ready to put on my p.j.'s and stay in them for the next 2 weeks. on sunday dan expected me to attend a reunion luncheon with a friend of his that he hadn't spoken to in 13 years. now we were to have lunch with he and his wonderful wife. why did i have to go? i didn't know this person. i didn't go to the wedding. why the fuck should i have to shower, shave (like they would be checking my armpits, no i didn't shave my legs--my own personal protest), wear make-up, attempt a "do" with my hair, AND FIND DECENT CLOTHES THAT WOULD BOTH COVER MY ASS AND BE CLEAN.

come on, i love my dan, but he was asking for trouble by making me do this. my mother calls to check in with me, "well, everything ok, hon?" NO! i am not fine for fuck's sake. i am angry. i am just so done with doing things for other people. look, i know how awful i sound, but fuck that. i am sick of getting shit together to put in my car and drive it somewhere else. fucking harvest feasts. i am done driving in rush hour traffic to my parents house with 2 high-strung nutcases to pick up a turkey, only to be told when i arrive that my kids are acting "kind of wild" and that i didn't need to pick up the bird after all. FUCK THAT GIMME THE TURKEY FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

are you getting the impression i am just a little fed up with all of humanity? well, i am. so now i have got to dress-up and showcase myself as "dan's wife." oh, fuck me. just what i want to do. smile, make small talk with strangers and hope my fancy face isn't melting. i am explaining to my mother --- this is the woman who gave birth to me --- that i want to stay home in my sweatpants. the stress of this event is too much, i am not up to being charming with strangers. my mom --- keep in mind this is my mother, the woman who is supposed to love me --- then says the following.

picture yourself on the other end of the phone, mouth open in schock, too stunned to reply which makes her fire-off these little nibbles of advice with such force that i am left completely speechless.....

"YOU ARE IN A FAT PHASE NOW"
"JOIN THE Y AND GET SOME EXERCISE"
"I KNOW YOU DON'T EAT WELL"
"DID YOU THROW OUT ALL THAT HALLOWEEN CANDY, YET"
"IF YOU ARE NEGATIVE, YOU WILL LOOK NEGATIVE TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU"
"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ARE SO HARD ON YOURSELF"
"TAKE A HOT SHOWER AND PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK"
"DO YOU EVEN HAVE LIPSTICK ANYMORE"
"MAYBE YOU NEED TO BUY CLOTHES THAT WILL FIT YOU"
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY"
"YOU WEAR THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CLEAN CLOTHES"
"IF YOU DIDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE SCHOOL, THEN YOU COULD GET YOUR CHORES DONE AROUND THE HOUSE"
"YOU SHOULD GET OUT AND MEET SOME PEOPLE"
"DON'T BE SO SHY"
"TRY TO SMILE, IT WILL LIGHTEN YOUR FACE" (note: i don't know what this means)
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY REAL PROBLEMS"
"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU"
"DANIEL DOESN'T ASK MUCH OF YOU, DO THIS FOR HIM"
"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE MARRIED TO A MAN LIKE DAN"
"WHY CAN'T YOU HELP HIM OUT, REMEMBER HE IS UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE RIGHT NOW"
"DAN IS SO WONDERFUL, THINK OF HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE MARRIED TO HIM"
"I AM SURE DAN WOULD DO THIS FOR YOU"
"GET SOME EXERCISE, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF"
"WHY ARE YOU SO DOWN ON YOURSELF"

why indeed? i knew that when dan's parent's completely rejected him that my parents would step right in and become his parents. in fact, they refer to dan as their son, not a son-in-law, but as their son. i have always considered myself lucky that my parents love dan. i just didn't think that their love of me would be the price i pay.

fine....deep breath. i can do this. i will not let this get me down. i am going to be ok. i have parent teacher conferences tonight. it will be fine. nik is a beautiful, charming, intelligent boy (true story: my mother after describing how wonderful nik is actually said, "JUST LIKE HIS WONDERFUL FATHER"). deep breath. calm calm calm. i so want to climb into bed and wrap my fat around me like a little love cocoon. just me and my cellulite. a match made in heaven.

that's ok, cooper thinks i rock. and he could care less how full my saddle bags are. and, his attitude is much better than my mother's. why shower, shave and put on lipstick. let's just climb onto the couch, eat an entire bag of mini carrots and fall asleep while watching british parliment on c-span.