an island, unto myself

friendships are hard to find. good friendships, i should say. god knows i have had my share of the absolute worst kind of friendships. i read these books about women who have been friends for years and years. they actually have someone (same sex) to share their life with. i miss that. i don't have that. dan is my best friend, and i must admit, the best "girlfriend" i have ever had. he is supportive, patient and honest (when necessary). but, i still feel a pang everytime i see oprah and gail going on and on about what a wonderful time they had doing such and such. why is it so hard for me to make friends. is there something horribly wrong with me? don't answer that.

i was under the "delusion" that once i had children i would be privy to an exclusive club in which i would be surrounded by other women who shared the same life experiences. after all, it isn't the "having of the baby" that makes a woman a mother. it is the actual raising of the child that completely transforms a person. no, i wasn't stupid enough to think that all women would feel the same way i do, but i was hard pressed to find even one in my "first time mommy" group. since then the majority of "playdates" have been really lame. is it so hard to admit that this "mommy" thing takes some getting used to. i know i am blessed with having these two perfect and healthy kids, but come on. this is hard work! is it admitting failure if i say that this is not what i expected?

motherhood, like life, has it's good and BAD points. am i a bad mother because i admit it is not always sunshine doing this job day in and day out, LITERALLY!!

what is with all the competition regarding how great/awful your husband is, how much weight you have lost since the baby, how much money you have, how many nights you go out and do something wonderful, how much shopping you do, how great your car/suv is, how big your new house is, blah, blah, blah. and not to mention the ugly and petty game of "how my child is so much more advanced, intelligent, creative, etc. than yours. do we ever get off the playground?

my insanity craves company. misery loves company. sometimes i wish i had someone to vent to, besides dan. i think he could use a break from me to.

i am a rock. i am an island.