see, we have family movie night in our house every friday. the evening includes pizza, orange pop and a video of the kids choice. the catch is that my husband and i must sit and view the movie with the kids. this is not always the case. there have been a few times (ok almost always) in which we inform the kids that we are going to the bedroom to "change clothes and go to the bathroom." read, sex. there was a time in which i required a lot more "wind up" time before the actual "act" itself. i am now living on "planet -- we are guaranteed at least 15 minutes before the kids come looking for us." save all the wining and dining romance crap for when we have more time. we are both realistic people who recognize the incompatibility of sex and children. having now entered the "hot spot," also known as the mid-30's, i ain't got time to fool around. i want what i want when i want it.
tonight we took the kids to the video store in search of the little mermaid movie. only our little princess (age 3 going on 13) informed us at the top of her lungs that it is called "THE ARIEL MOVIE, NO MERMAID!!!" whatever, let's just find the damn thing and get home. read frisky mom.
here is where the kids throw the wrench in my plan. read, beautiful release. of course the little---excuse me ARIEL movie is out. thank god little mermaid 2 was available and our little princess was content with the choice. she did require an extra 20 minutes in the kids section reviewing ALL THE OTHER OPTIONS. this means she picks up EVERY SINGLE MOVIE and must make some comment on it. i swear i am sending her to roger ebert. they can spend HOURS discussing how the care bears 2 movie just didn't due the original justice and the joy in having a sequel to cinderella. i am not roger ebert. i want to grab the first movie that they both can agree on and get to steppin'. little evita has other plans. SHE ALWAYS HAS OTHER PLANS. i am not privy to these plans. plans that cannot be changed or altered in any way.
my favorite thing to say about our little evita (not her real name, but should have been) is that she could slide in and take castro's place at any given moment. the girl rules with an iron fist. my husband and i worry endlessly about our son having his heart broken by careless girls. we comfort ourselves with the thought that we can send our little princess to kick some bitch's ass if they mess with her brother.
so, we are in the video store and i am angry. angry at disney for all the crappy movies that i will be forced to view and probably end up purchasing. and it doesn't end with a simple purchase of a movie. don't get me started on the tie-in merchandising. DEATH TO THE DISNEY PRINCESS COLLECTION.
we bring home "ARIEL 2 movie" and i am getting the kids all settled, i turn around and the love of my life says the male version of "i have a headache."
I AM JUST GOING TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND CHECK MY EMAIL REAL QUICK
guess who is enjoying the movie? it is a good thing i find such comfort in a cold can of coke (no not diet, i only drink the real thing) and buttered popcorn. oohh, can you feel the love??
my butt does! next friday i am renting any movie with alan rickman in it. yes, i know an odd choice, but it works.
7.30.2004
tea and sympathy with nik
this is how i know i am losing my grip on reality. my son and i were grocery shopping, yes i know it sounds like so much fun and i can see you are green with envy, please try and control yourself. this particular store has a "pet section," which is the highlight to any shopping trip.
"puuuuullleeeeeeezzzzzeee can we go see that furry thing and the birds?"
why yes my sweet prince. since you were so helpful in pushing the cart into every person we passed in the aisles. since you articulated so well, and so loud about why i am unreasonable for not purchasing every package of cookies in the store. of course, i would love to take you to see the animals.
it was in front of the goldfish tanks that i lost what little grasp of reality i ever had. inside one of the tanks was a fish who had died. he/she was sort of wedged into the back corner, it's vibrant colors already faded by death. for some reason, the site of this gray, dead fish pushed me over the edge. i began to cry. nik, mr. observant, noticed immediately. nik has a depth of empathy that continues to amaze me. he is always quick to comfort me and wipe tears from my eyes. i hate myself for ever letting him see me display that much of emotion. i am always afraid that it will frighten him. isn't it funny how adults always underestimate children. rather than being taken aback by my sudden emotional outburst, as were the other shoppers around us, nik calmly put his arm around my waist and said gently, "it is ok mom. maybe he is up in heaven now. don't worry, mom."
it took my breath away. i was frozen with awe. how could this small person be so mature, so able to understand, so able to reach out in an act of pure humanity? it was at this very moment, caught up in the glory of having the best son in the world, that nik proceeded to say the following:
"boy mom, your bottom sure is big. will my butt be this big when i get to be your age? how old are you now? does everybody's butt get this big when they get old? does your butt keep growing? how big will your butt get?"
that i informed nik was a great question. just how big is my butt going to get? i went from feeling pure love for my son to pure fear. i swear late at night when i can't sleep i can actually hear my butt growing.
"puuuuullleeeeeeezzzzzeee can we go see that furry thing and the birds?"
why yes my sweet prince. since you were so helpful in pushing the cart into every person we passed in the aisles. since you articulated so well, and so loud about why i am unreasonable for not purchasing every package of cookies in the store. of course, i would love to take you to see the animals.
it was in front of the goldfish tanks that i lost what little grasp of reality i ever had. inside one of the tanks was a fish who had died. he/she was sort of wedged into the back corner, it's vibrant colors already faded by death. for some reason, the site of this gray, dead fish pushed me over the edge. i began to cry. nik, mr. observant, noticed immediately. nik has a depth of empathy that continues to amaze me. he is always quick to comfort me and wipe tears from my eyes. i hate myself for ever letting him see me display that much of emotion. i am always afraid that it will frighten him. isn't it funny how adults always underestimate children. rather than being taken aback by my sudden emotional outburst, as were the other shoppers around us, nik calmly put his arm around my waist and said gently, "it is ok mom. maybe he is up in heaven now. don't worry, mom."
it took my breath away. i was frozen with awe. how could this small person be so mature, so able to understand, so able to reach out in an act of pure humanity? it was at this very moment, caught up in the glory of having the best son in the world, that nik proceeded to say the following:
"boy mom, your bottom sure is big. will my butt be this big when i get to be your age? how old are you now? does everybody's butt get this big when they get old? does your butt keep growing? how big will your butt get?"
that i informed nik was a great question. just how big is my butt going to get? i went from feeling pure love for my son to pure fear. i swear late at night when i can't sleep i can actually hear my butt growing.
7.28.2004
there is a first time for everything....
I AM SISYPHUS, HEAR ME ROAR
There are days that i feel condemened to repeat the same, at times, futile tasks, all day, every day. A therapist once said to me not to view motherhood as a task that ever reaches completion. Instead, enjoy the process, the every day aspects of raising children. Easier said than done.
Yes, i am one of the many women who feel that we have been sold a piece of swamp land.
"Hey, this isn't the motherhood advertised in your brochure."
What did i expect? Hard work, yes. Complete loss of personal identity, no. This has been the surprize. As if i have been given a box of cracker jack and my prize is a diamond tiara. More than i expected and more than i feel i deserve.
"Can't i have the nap prize instead?"
I am not worthy of the beautiful children i have. I struggle every day to come to terms with what is expected of me. The plain fact is, i am ill equipped to handle the job. Truth be told, only grown ups should be parents. I am far to immature and irresponsible for this job.
"Sorry, i really don't have the correct qualifications for this position. How much did you say the pay was?"
Forget it. Even Oprah doesn't have enough money to pay me for this job. And yet, i can't get fired. This is my job for life. There will be no reitrement, no party after 25 or 50 years. Is it bad to think that your children being alive at the end of the day is a sign of a good day? Am i setting the bar too low?
God does have a sense of humor. I prayed for healthy children. God answered my prayers. Two beautiful and healthy children. Nuclear family at it's finest: wife, husband, dog, boy and girl. Pretty as a picture. My children are anyway. And the dog, as well.
So it isn't what i expected. It is both better and worse than i ever could have imagined. I have truly been blessed with this family. Every day i tell myself to try harder than yesterday.
"It is a process"
This is my mantra. Move over Buddah. Only, did anyone else think there could be so much drama in raising kids?
There are days that i feel condemened to repeat the same, at times, futile tasks, all day, every day. A therapist once said to me not to view motherhood as a task that ever reaches completion. Instead, enjoy the process, the every day aspects of raising children. Easier said than done.
Yes, i am one of the many women who feel that we have been sold a piece of swamp land.
"Hey, this isn't the motherhood advertised in your brochure."
What did i expect? Hard work, yes. Complete loss of personal identity, no. This has been the surprize. As if i have been given a box of cracker jack and my prize is a diamond tiara. More than i expected and more than i feel i deserve.
"Can't i have the nap prize instead?"
I am not worthy of the beautiful children i have. I struggle every day to come to terms with what is expected of me. The plain fact is, i am ill equipped to handle the job. Truth be told, only grown ups should be parents. I am far to immature and irresponsible for this job.
"Sorry, i really don't have the correct qualifications for this position. How much did you say the pay was?"
Forget it. Even Oprah doesn't have enough money to pay me for this job. And yet, i can't get fired. This is my job for life. There will be no reitrement, no party after 25 or 50 years. Is it bad to think that your children being alive at the end of the day is a sign of a good day? Am i setting the bar too low?
God does have a sense of humor. I prayed for healthy children. God answered my prayers. Two beautiful and healthy children. Nuclear family at it's finest: wife, husband, dog, boy and girl. Pretty as a picture. My children are anyway. And the dog, as well.
So it isn't what i expected. It is both better and worse than i ever could have imagined. I have truly been blessed with this family. Every day i tell myself to try harder than yesterday.
"It is a process"
This is my mantra. Move over Buddah. Only, did anyone else think there could be so much drama in raising kids?
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