these things have really happened:
at a wake of a family member, i informed a LARGE group of people that i believed the dearly departed had waited until the first grandchild was born before passing on. i said, "it was as if the baby gave her a new LEASH ON LIFE."
while out walking late one night, i discovered that i hadn't been kicking a piece of cardboard down the street, but rather a dead squirrel that had petrified in the heat of the day.
when responding to the question, "why would anyone have their nipples pierced?" i answered, "because it is an ANDROGENOUS ZONE."
when commenting on how my son had taken advantage of a situation, i once said "he is PLAYING YOU LIKE A BOOK."
while pregnant and waiting for a train, i threw up on a stranger's shoes. when i bent down to wipe them off with a wet wipe i proceeded to throw up on the stranger's briefcase.
while having a loud disagreement with my daughter in a store, she yelled at me: "you are hurting my penis!" i responded with, "YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS!" to which she said, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU BROKE IT. YOU ALWAYS BREAK PEOPLE'S PENISES!" the only logical response from me was: "THAT IS NOT TRUE! DADDY STILL HAS HIS PENIS AND IT IS JUST FINE, LET ME TELL YOU!"
it is ugly, but true. i blame my mother, who is forever asking me questions like: "who is that moody guy from 'bubblefish' movie?" this would confuse other people, but i am familiar with all things kathryn. i am able to respond: "you mean matt dillon from 'rumblefish'" i always know what she means. my husband being only with us for the past 14 years still has trouble keeping up. he asked me one day, "am i ever going to understand what you are talking about?" i told him, "hey, you LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY OTHER DAY."
8.30.2004
ahh, men!
i married a man. a real man. a man who was once a "guy" and then got married and had kids. a "guy" who grew up and takes his responsibilities seriously. even when he doesn't want to.
dan is on the verge, (and i mean as in tomorrow afternoon), of losing his job. while he doesn't think this is a personal reflection upon him (because it isn't) he is worried. he takes this "i am the only person with an income" business very seriously. i have been fortunate enough to stay at home for the past 6 years. i complain on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis about this mommy job of mine. i have been jealous of dan because he gets to talk with adults during the day and even goes out to lunch with friends. i resent him coming home late, i resent him complaining about his job, i resent him complaining about his boss. the truth is my man takes care of his family. he dutifully goes to a horrible job that sucks the life out of him so that i can stay home with the kids. he does this because he loves me. he loves his children. he wants us to have a good life. i owe so much to this man. i am amazed at this person. i knew him when he had a jar of "goober" in his college dorm. i knew him when he still had dreams that did not include a wife and kids. this man has taken jobs he hates for me and his children. how dare i complain? really, am i so petty that i engage in a contest of "whose job sucked more today?" i am not afraid to admit that i have done this. i am not proud of myself.
i am proud of my husband. he worries about money, mortgage payments, car payments, money, college saving funds, medical insurance payments, the well-being of his wife and children, and money. i don't know how many stay at home moms actually think about what their husbands experience being the only "bread-winner" of the house. my husband will rarely burden me with his worries because he thinks i have enough on my plate already. the sad thing is, i do. i sometimes forget all that he is dealing with on a daily basis. at night i am plagued with worries about the kids. i never really worry about him because he seems so strong. ------oh my god, am i turning into a hallmark spotlight movie of the week featuring meredith baxter as the dutiful wife and joannah kerns as her loyal friend? i see lots of meaningful conversations over coffee in a kitchen so clean it looks like no meals have actually been cooked there. sorry......
sorry, i guess i need to go watch tv. damn the republican convention, i know i should be watching so that i get a balanced view, but....come on. i watched the democratic convention, but something about kerry's voice lulled me into a deep sleep. i have a sneaking suspicion that the right wingers will have the same effect. is 9:30 too early to go to bed?
dan is on the verge, (and i mean as in tomorrow afternoon), of losing his job. while he doesn't think this is a personal reflection upon him (because it isn't) he is worried. he takes this "i am the only person with an income" business very seriously. i have been fortunate enough to stay at home for the past 6 years. i complain on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis about this mommy job of mine. i have been jealous of dan because he gets to talk with adults during the day and even goes out to lunch with friends. i resent him coming home late, i resent him complaining about his job, i resent him complaining about his boss. the truth is my man takes care of his family. he dutifully goes to a horrible job that sucks the life out of him so that i can stay home with the kids. he does this because he loves me. he loves his children. he wants us to have a good life. i owe so much to this man. i am amazed at this person. i knew him when he had a jar of "goober" in his college dorm. i knew him when he still had dreams that did not include a wife and kids. this man has taken jobs he hates for me and his children. how dare i complain? really, am i so petty that i engage in a contest of "whose job sucked more today?" i am not afraid to admit that i have done this. i am not proud of myself.
i am proud of my husband. he worries about money, mortgage payments, car payments, money, college saving funds, medical insurance payments, the well-being of his wife and children, and money. i don't know how many stay at home moms actually think about what their husbands experience being the only "bread-winner" of the house. my husband will rarely burden me with his worries because he thinks i have enough on my plate already. the sad thing is, i do. i sometimes forget all that he is dealing with on a daily basis. at night i am plagued with worries about the kids. i never really worry about him because he seems so strong. ------oh my god, am i turning into a hallmark spotlight movie of the week featuring meredith baxter as the dutiful wife and joannah kerns as her loyal friend? i see lots of meaningful conversations over coffee in a kitchen so clean it looks like no meals have actually been cooked there. sorry......
sorry, i guess i need to go watch tv. damn the republican convention, i know i should be watching so that i get a balanced view, but....come on. i watched the democratic convention, but something about kerry's voice lulled me into a deep sleep. i have a sneaking suspicion that the right wingers will have the same effect. is 9:30 too early to go to bed?
why can't rubber grow in a civilized climate?
sick day? no such thing for mom. i feel as if i have been swallowing swords that were dipped in acid. our kitchen is being ripped apart and will be unuseable for the next week. nik starts school tomorrow (THANK YOU JESUS). dan has job interview this week. i still need to get books for myself for school (even though i am not going to go through with it). i need to drop off emma's health form to prove that she will not contaminate kids in preschool.....
I AM SICK.
our cable went out last night. this meant we were spared the closing ceremonies of the olympics. THANK YOU JESUS. that is my biggest problem with the olympics. i could do without the opening and closing. it encompasses everything that i depise. it makes me wish i could pass for a canadian or a german. don't get me wrong. i do like being an american. i find it one of the healthest challenges on the face of the earth. just when you think you can come out of the cave you've been hiding in, our country goes and pulls another bonehead trick out of it's bag and it is back to the cave of shame. i couldn't live in any other country because i am too american. i am set in my ways and love the freedom of complaining about my homeland.
am i patriotic? i don't think i can even spell this word properly. i don't care if you burn the american flag, but i cry everytime i hear the national anthem. voting in our country is our duty, not a exercise to be taken lightly. besides, you can't complain if you don't vote. even if your vote doesn't seem to matter or count. i don't care for the current president or administration, but i pray every day for the women and men who are fighting overseas. i don't like the idea that if you are critical of the president/administration that you hate america. i hate that people try to entangle god and politics. i deal with spiritual conflicts on a personal level, i don't want them played out on a political level.
UG!
i don't like where this is going....please excuse the rambling.....i have a fever......did i mention charlie manson is upstairs ripping apart my kitchen while i hide in the basement?.......please someone get me a popsicle.....
I AM SICK.
our cable went out last night. this meant we were spared the closing ceremonies of the olympics. THANK YOU JESUS. that is my biggest problem with the olympics. i could do without the opening and closing. it encompasses everything that i depise. it makes me wish i could pass for a canadian or a german. don't get me wrong. i do like being an american. i find it one of the healthest challenges on the face of the earth. just when you think you can come out of the cave you've been hiding in, our country goes and pulls another bonehead trick out of it's bag and it is back to the cave of shame. i couldn't live in any other country because i am too american. i am set in my ways and love the freedom of complaining about my homeland.
am i patriotic? i don't think i can even spell this word properly. i don't care if you burn the american flag, but i cry everytime i hear the national anthem. voting in our country is our duty, not a exercise to be taken lightly. besides, you can't complain if you don't vote. even if your vote doesn't seem to matter or count. i don't care for the current president or administration, but i pray every day for the women and men who are fighting overseas. i don't like the idea that if you are critical of the president/administration that you hate america. i hate that people try to entangle god and politics. i deal with spiritual conflicts on a personal level, i don't want them played out on a political level.
UG!
i don't like where this is going....please excuse the rambling.....i have a fever......did i mention charlie manson is upstairs ripping apart my kitchen while i hide in the basement?.......please someone get me a popsicle.....
8.28.2004
the three faces of eve
emma has many moods, usually all of which we experience on a daily basis. her moods are intense and at times, exhausting. i swear her good looks are the only saving grace.
this is the emma everyone loves
be afraid, be very afraid of meatface!!
run as fast as you can.....
this is the emma everyone loves
be afraid, be very afraid of meatface!!
run as fast as you can.....
8.27.2004
see, you aren't the biggest loser...
i have been keeping a secret. i am going back to school. i promised myself years ago that i would have my degree by the time i was 30. well, i have pushed that date back, quite a bit. i am so close to finishing a degree in anthropology, but really my days of going to dig in africa disappeared once i had nik.
so, i will be going back to school this september. and yes, i will be the oldest (and have the biggest butt) person there. i am really nervous. i told nik and emma that i was feeling a little nervous about going back to school. nik was very understanding and told me to relax. "just be nice, momma, and you will make friends. remember, you have to be friendly if you want friends." thanks nik.
emma said: "don't go. just stay home and be mommy." oh, that is tooooo easy for me! i have been mommy for 6 years. mommy needs to find the outside world. i used to know things. i used to be aware of the world around me. i need to know more than just what arthur and dw are fighting about and if spongebob will ever get his driver's license. although i do care about these things.
when i expressed my concerns to dan his response was: "hey, tommy lee is going back to college. there is going to be a whole new reality show about him going to college. and he is older than you."
i actually married this man and promised god i would stick it out through good and bad. the weird part is, i am strangely comforted by this.....tommy and me back in school. i will just die if he gets his degree before me!
so, i will be going back to school this september. and yes, i will be the oldest (and have the biggest butt) person there. i am really nervous. i told nik and emma that i was feeling a little nervous about going back to school. nik was very understanding and told me to relax. "just be nice, momma, and you will make friends. remember, you have to be friendly if you want friends." thanks nik.
emma said: "don't go. just stay home and be mommy." oh, that is tooooo easy for me! i have been mommy for 6 years. mommy needs to find the outside world. i used to know things. i used to be aware of the world around me. i need to know more than just what arthur and dw are fighting about and if spongebob will ever get his driver's license. although i do care about these things.
when i expressed my concerns to dan his response was: "hey, tommy lee is going back to college. there is going to be a whole new reality show about him going to college. and he is older than you."
i actually married this man and promised god i would stick it out through good and bad. the weird part is, i am strangely comforted by this.....tommy and me back in school. i will just die if he gets his degree before me!
happy happy joy joy
i truly admire the enthusiasm that my kids have for ANYTHING. we were at the park earlier this week and they spent 30 minutes (a new olympic record for uninterrupted focus) playing with a catapillar. i was amazed at how tender and gentle they were and how they SHARED and TOOK TURNS NICELY while playing. it was as if god looked at me and decided i needed a reminder of just how fortuate i am. i seem to have moments like this on the days where i am seriously thinking about running away to live in a hole in the ground somewhere in the woods.
"wat'cha thinkin' mommy?" my daughter caught me daydreaming. i told her i wasn't sure and she decided that she would tell me all the things i was thinking about. her list was the following:
making cookies
butterflies
watching barbie in the nutcracker (AGAIN)
going to the store to buy cookies
getting a kitty cat
frogs
how pretty and sweet emma is
cookies
ice cream
giving me that new toy under your bed that i know is for me
emma will be a great detective. she can sense when i have been shopping for future birthday and christmas presents. and she found my hiding spot under my bed. i realize it wasn't the best place, but kids are funny. i could have hidden them in their rooms, next to their shoes or dirty clothes basket. things in plain sight become invisible to small children. emma "discovered" her birthday present earlier in the day, but thought enough to put on a show for me later on.
emma pretending that something was poking her foot: "oh momma, what is this? how lovely is this? what could this be? is this for someone special?" a future oscar winner.
nik is still unaware that there are presents there for him as well. that is until, little emma (the informer) not only tells him, but shows him as well.
suddenly it is very quiet in the house. i am here in the basement while the children have snuck upstairs, telling me: "we just need to get one thing, we will be right back." the concept of time is so amazing. right back for me means right back. for nik it means maybe 20 minutes later. long enough for an evil plan to be devised and hatched by the rascals. nik will come back downstairs saying, "umm, mom, umm you are going to be mad about this." he is mistaken. i will not be mad. i will shake my head in wonderment at how two small kids can reek such havoc on my home. i may frown, but inside i am smiling. i don't yell, even when they make a "creation" that involves putting flour and breadcrumbs all over the carpeting. or when they "decorate" the bathroom with 2 entire cans of shaving cream.
the fact is, i love them. i love the way they use an entire box of band-aids. i love the way they smell after a day at the beach. i love the way emma reaches up to take my hand to cross a street. i love the way nik goes around the house wrapping "presents" for me in his dirty clothes. me: "ohh, look, a barbie with no head, just for me. i love it. and i love that you wrapped her so nicely in your soccer socks."
today just might be a good day.......
"wat'cha thinkin' mommy?" my daughter caught me daydreaming. i told her i wasn't sure and she decided that she would tell me all the things i was thinking about. her list was the following:
making cookies
butterflies
watching barbie in the nutcracker (AGAIN)
going to the store to buy cookies
getting a kitty cat
frogs
how pretty and sweet emma is
cookies
ice cream
giving me that new toy under your bed that i know is for me
emma will be a great detective. she can sense when i have been shopping for future birthday and christmas presents. and she found my hiding spot under my bed. i realize it wasn't the best place, but kids are funny. i could have hidden them in their rooms, next to their shoes or dirty clothes basket. things in plain sight become invisible to small children. emma "discovered" her birthday present earlier in the day, but thought enough to put on a show for me later on.
emma pretending that something was poking her foot: "oh momma, what is this? how lovely is this? what could this be? is this for someone special?" a future oscar winner.
nik is still unaware that there are presents there for him as well. that is until, little emma (the informer) not only tells him, but shows him as well.
suddenly it is very quiet in the house. i am here in the basement while the children have snuck upstairs, telling me: "we just need to get one thing, we will be right back." the concept of time is so amazing. right back for me means right back. for nik it means maybe 20 minutes later. long enough for an evil plan to be devised and hatched by the rascals. nik will come back downstairs saying, "umm, mom, umm you are going to be mad about this." he is mistaken. i will not be mad. i will shake my head in wonderment at how two small kids can reek such havoc on my home. i may frown, but inside i am smiling. i don't yell, even when they make a "creation" that involves putting flour and breadcrumbs all over the carpeting. or when they "decorate" the bathroom with 2 entire cans of shaving cream.
the fact is, i love them. i love the way they use an entire box of band-aids. i love the way they smell after a day at the beach. i love the way emma reaches up to take my hand to cross a street. i love the way nik goes around the house wrapping "presents" for me in his dirty clothes. me: "ohh, look, a barbie with no head, just for me. i love it. and i love that you wrapped her so nicely in your soccer socks."
today just might be a good day.......
8.23.2004
how do i love thee?
how can you not love a man who makes you a salami sandwich, miracle whip on both slices of bread, at 11:00 pm because he thought you should eat something before you go to sleep.
how can you not love a man who rolls over during the night and tells you, "stop worrying, everything is going to be fine." without you having to say a word, he knows you are riddled with panic and are about to spend another sleepless night.
how can you not love a man who has made it a custom to leave you a q-tip out, while you are in the shower, so you can clean your ears. without fail.
how can you not love a man who dotes on your parents, but still takes your back in disagreements between you and your mom (even though he secretly calls your mother to tell her she is right and you are wrong.)
how can you not love a man who claims the reason he needs satilite tv is so that you can watch the bbc news. really, it isn't for him, at all.
how can you not love a man who will get out of bed and make you popcorn simply because you said, "i need a little something."
how can you not love a man who always buys you socks for christmas because he knows you will never buy them for yourself. and when he gives them to you he says, "to keep those ugly things you call feet nice and warm."
how can you not love a man who will spend 20 minutes trying to justify his need for yet another type of toothpaste, "i have sensitive teeth and i need the baking soda." completely ignoring the 2 unopened tubes in the bathroom because they aren't "enamle protectors."
how can you not love a man who giggles like a school girl when you tell him about your latest humiliating experience.
how can you not love a man who makes you feel completely naked with one glance.
how can you not love a man who watched you deliver two babies (and the pooping incident on the table) and still wants to have sex with you.
how can you not love a man who can melt you with his smile.
how can you not love a man who will watch any bette davis movie with you....and actually enjoy it.
how can you not love a man who was the first person you knew who actually ate a movie theatre hot dog and enjoyed it. then he convinces you to eat one too.
how can you not love a man who cried at both of his weddings.
how can you not love a man who greets you when he gets home from work with, "hey, your butt looks really small today. have you lost weight?" and you can almost believe him because he is so damn cute.
how can you not love a man who can go without a shower for 4 days and still look so fucking good.
daniel, my love...now and forever
how can you not love a man who rolls over during the night and tells you, "stop worrying, everything is going to be fine." without you having to say a word, he knows you are riddled with panic and are about to spend another sleepless night.
how can you not love a man who has made it a custom to leave you a q-tip out, while you are in the shower, so you can clean your ears. without fail.
how can you not love a man who dotes on your parents, but still takes your back in disagreements between you and your mom (even though he secretly calls your mother to tell her she is right and you are wrong.)
how can you not love a man who claims the reason he needs satilite tv is so that you can watch the bbc news. really, it isn't for him, at all.
how can you not love a man who will get out of bed and make you popcorn simply because you said, "i need a little something."
how can you not love a man who always buys you socks for christmas because he knows you will never buy them for yourself. and when he gives them to you he says, "to keep those ugly things you call feet nice and warm."
how can you not love a man who will spend 20 minutes trying to justify his need for yet another type of toothpaste, "i have sensitive teeth and i need the baking soda." completely ignoring the 2 unopened tubes in the bathroom because they aren't "enamle protectors."
how can you not love a man who giggles like a school girl when you tell him about your latest humiliating experience.
how can you not love a man who makes you feel completely naked with one glance.
how can you not love a man who watched you deliver two babies (and the pooping incident on the table) and still wants to have sex with you.
how can you not love a man who can melt you with his smile.
how can you not love a man who will watch any bette davis movie with you....and actually enjoy it.
how can you not love a man who was the first person you knew who actually ate a movie theatre hot dog and enjoyed it. then he convinces you to eat one too.
how can you not love a man who cried at both of his weddings.
how can you not love a man who greets you when he gets home from work with, "hey, your butt looks really small today. have you lost weight?" and you can almost believe him because he is so damn cute.
how can you not love a man who can go without a shower for 4 days and still look so fucking good.
daniel, my love...now and forever
8.22.2004
meeting mommy right
ok, this could be it. i think i have met mommy right. she is nice, funny and sarcastic, smart, pretty, not too thin, was wearing no makeup, and -- the best part -- her daughter was sassy to her IN FRONT OF ME. this could be it. have i met mommy right? she said all the right things, she even complained about motherhood. i don't want to get too carried away. this has been my downfall in the past, but i think i picked up on THE VIBE.
THE VIBE is rare. it happens so infrequently. some moms only dream of experiencing THE VIBE. THE VIBE is the feeling you get when you meet someone like yourself. most single people search for THE VIBE as a future mate. i have been looking for the perfect friend. a mommy, like me, who has small and demanding children and doesn't care that her butt is the size of alaska. ok, mommy right has a very nice butt, smaller than mine, but not so small that i hate to walk behind her.
ok, i realize i sound like a complete nut, but you don't know what is like. i can't meet a normal mom. it goes without saying that i adore my kids. i love and adore my husband. i actually like being a stay at home mom (ok, 75% of the time). but i am only human. i need to vent. why is venting a sign that you hate your kids/husband/complete existance? i don't want to feel like i am the only mom on the face of the earth who could do without the complete sacrafice of myself for my family. doesn't any other mom feel completely invisible? since when did i become a "mam" instead of "miss?" doesn't any other mom feel like her head will explode if she has to answer one more question.
except the ones like: "do bees have butts? where do bees poop? what happens if your eyes fall out of your head? can i name the worm that lives in my eyelashes? why are you always holding your head and moaning? can my wing-a (read: vagina) fall out of my butt?" these questions i actually enjoy.
is it too much to ask that i find a normal, noncompetitive mom who isn't overjoyed at a lack of sleep and lack of her own personal existence? i may have found her. this is where the zoloft comes into play. hopefully i won't freak her out and scare her off. this is sounding a bit like a lifetime movie, isn't it?
"she thought she was safe. she had moved from state to state to keep her and her family safe. would this be a safe place? could she survive in this suburban neighborhood? or would she be found out? if only she could tell....is it....could it be.....oh no! run for your life, it's.....it's......CRAZY NEEDY MOM LOOKING FOR A NEW FRIEND! great, now she will have to move again."
i seriously pity this poor woman. she has no idea what she is up for. silly woman, gave me her phone number. honestly, i hope this works out. jesus, i didn't have this much trouble dating when i was single. is that what happens? i can't date my husband, so i date friends? someone to go to the movies with, eat dinner out, shop....? should i have been a lesbian? but i still want to have sex with my husband. am i experiencing "gender confusion?" has it passed from my son to me? does this mean i can stop shaving my legs?
ok, deep breath, time to go take a z.
THE VIBE is rare. it happens so infrequently. some moms only dream of experiencing THE VIBE. THE VIBE is the feeling you get when you meet someone like yourself. most single people search for THE VIBE as a future mate. i have been looking for the perfect friend. a mommy, like me, who has small and demanding children and doesn't care that her butt is the size of alaska. ok, mommy right has a very nice butt, smaller than mine, but not so small that i hate to walk behind her.
ok, i realize i sound like a complete nut, but you don't know what is like. i can't meet a normal mom. it goes without saying that i adore my kids. i love and adore my husband. i actually like being a stay at home mom (ok, 75% of the time). but i am only human. i need to vent. why is venting a sign that you hate your kids/husband/complete existance? i don't want to feel like i am the only mom on the face of the earth who could do without the complete sacrafice of myself for my family. doesn't any other mom feel completely invisible? since when did i become a "mam" instead of "miss?" doesn't any other mom feel like her head will explode if she has to answer one more question.
except the ones like: "do bees have butts? where do bees poop? what happens if your eyes fall out of your head? can i name the worm that lives in my eyelashes? why are you always holding your head and moaning? can my wing-a (read: vagina) fall out of my butt?" these questions i actually enjoy.
is it too much to ask that i find a normal, noncompetitive mom who isn't overjoyed at a lack of sleep and lack of her own personal existence? i may have found her. this is where the zoloft comes into play. hopefully i won't freak her out and scare her off. this is sounding a bit like a lifetime movie, isn't it?
"she thought she was safe. she had moved from state to state to keep her and her family safe. would this be a safe place? could she survive in this suburban neighborhood? or would she be found out? if only she could tell....is it....could it be.....oh no! run for your life, it's.....it's......CRAZY NEEDY MOM LOOKING FOR A NEW FRIEND! great, now she will have to move again."
i seriously pity this poor woman. she has no idea what she is up for. silly woman, gave me her phone number. honestly, i hope this works out. jesus, i didn't have this much trouble dating when i was single. is that what happens? i can't date my husband, so i date friends? someone to go to the movies with, eat dinner out, shop....? should i have been a lesbian? but i still want to have sex with my husband. am i experiencing "gender confusion?" has it passed from my son to me? does this mean i can stop shaving my legs?
ok, deep breath, time to go take a z.
8.21.2004
well, there isn't
when i was young, and yes i am old enough to be able to use this saying, i thought about how small and meaningless my life was, that there was something better and greater. i would spend hours dreaming about the life i would really live, once i got this preliminary life out of the way. it was if i was practicing for something great. as if i was an olympic hopeful, trying to establish my existence. that one day, i would grow up and this would all be some memory i would fondly recall, sitting at a fabulous dinner party, having one too many glasses of wine.
"....ah, yes, i did once wonder what would become of me. i once worried that i would amount to nothing. as you can see, with all my success in the {PLACE NAME OF FABULOUS OCCUPATION HERE, AS YET UNDERTERMINED} this is not the case, thank God"
the truth is, there isn't any OTHER great life waiting for me. this is my life. and, honestly, it isn't that bad. in fact, it is pretty good. life is what you make it, got to take the bitter with the sweet. this is my life, for better or worse. most days it is better. i know i complain and vent endlessly about my life, but i wouldn't trade it for any thing else. so, ok, more nap time and quiet dinners would be nice, but i have so much great stuff---not really stuff as much as people. hey, it is never boring around here.
my children are becoming very well trained. nik will enter my room in the morning and ask if i am awake yet. as always, i am not ready to get out of bed (why didn't the children inherit my hatred of early mornings?). nik then goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and brings me a cold coke. yes, the breakfast of champions! nik always delivers my coke with a smile that warms my heart and a desperate plea for me not to kiss him with my "terrible and awful morning breath." emma wakes me up by pushing my eyelids open saying, "ok, awake now mommy."
i once dreaded the kids waking me up. i asked nik one morning why he insisted on waking me up as soon as he was awake. "i am lonely without you," was his reply. can you imagine? these fragile little creatures actually WANT to be with me as soon as they wake up. my husband isn't that excited to see his creature wife first thing in the morning.
why do they love me? what is it about me that they cling to? i am honestly not that nice of a person. nik and emma have supreme confidence in my abilities. this absolutely floors me. and even when i fuck up, which is at least once a day, they return to me sure that i am the one person who can fix their problems. i can't fix mine, but i am like a superhero to them. they don't care what i look like, in fact they are convinced i am the "pretty prettiest mommy in the entire world AND earth." they believe that i have the answers for EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. nik says it is because of my big forehead which apparently holds my gigantic brain. they are amazed at my courage at shunning the fear of dark and spiders. i have also impressed them with my ability to yell and swear at other drivers on the road. after a sudden outburst at an idiot on the road i heard my son whisper to his little sister, "see, mommy is in charge of everybody." emma replied, "i already know that, nik!" i didn't know that. i have always thought it would be easier to be in charge of other peoples lives instead of mine. there would be no sense of attachement.
truth is, i like this attachment to my life. i am invested in these children. i don't hate my daily life. it's just that sometimes i am hit with the realization that i am someone's mother. that is really scary for a person who has yet to grow up herself. my husband has made me a better person, but it is my babies that are making me a mother. it is the day in and day out grind of attending to their every whim. i am here, this is my place. yes, it is dirty and noisy and completely thankless, but it is mine. this is the other life i was dreaming about. only it is better than my dream life in so many ways. i will never understand why these kids think i am up to the task of being their mother, but their belief in me is astounding. it is my job to live up to their expectations.
does it get better than this? no, because it never ends. the minute these little people passed through my body into the world they became my life. day by day i am learning to embrace this gift. not to say that i don't dream about more peace and quiet, but...well, when you have children you understand that there just isn't any such thing.
"....ah, yes, i did once wonder what would become of me. i once worried that i would amount to nothing. as you can see, with all my success in the {PLACE NAME OF FABULOUS OCCUPATION HERE, AS YET UNDERTERMINED} this is not the case, thank God"
the truth is, there isn't any OTHER great life waiting for me. this is my life. and, honestly, it isn't that bad. in fact, it is pretty good. life is what you make it, got to take the bitter with the sweet. this is my life, for better or worse. most days it is better. i know i complain and vent endlessly about my life, but i wouldn't trade it for any thing else. so, ok, more nap time and quiet dinners would be nice, but i have so much great stuff---not really stuff as much as people. hey, it is never boring around here.
my children are becoming very well trained. nik will enter my room in the morning and ask if i am awake yet. as always, i am not ready to get out of bed (why didn't the children inherit my hatred of early mornings?). nik then goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and brings me a cold coke. yes, the breakfast of champions! nik always delivers my coke with a smile that warms my heart and a desperate plea for me not to kiss him with my "terrible and awful morning breath." emma wakes me up by pushing my eyelids open saying, "ok, awake now mommy."
i once dreaded the kids waking me up. i asked nik one morning why he insisted on waking me up as soon as he was awake. "i am lonely without you," was his reply. can you imagine? these fragile little creatures actually WANT to be with me as soon as they wake up. my husband isn't that excited to see his creature wife first thing in the morning.
why do they love me? what is it about me that they cling to? i am honestly not that nice of a person. nik and emma have supreme confidence in my abilities. this absolutely floors me. and even when i fuck up, which is at least once a day, they return to me sure that i am the one person who can fix their problems. i can't fix mine, but i am like a superhero to them. they don't care what i look like, in fact they are convinced i am the "pretty prettiest mommy in the entire world AND earth." they believe that i have the answers for EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. nik says it is because of my big forehead which apparently holds my gigantic brain. they are amazed at my courage at shunning the fear of dark and spiders. i have also impressed them with my ability to yell and swear at other drivers on the road. after a sudden outburst at an idiot on the road i heard my son whisper to his little sister, "see, mommy is in charge of everybody." emma replied, "i already know that, nik!" i didn't know that. i have always thought it would be easier to be in charge of other peoples lives instead of mine. there would be no sense of attachement.
truth is, i like this attachment to my life. i am invested in these children. i don't hate my daily life. it's just that sometimes i am hit with the realization that i am someone's mother. that is really scary for a person who has yet to grow up herself. my husband has made me a better person, but it is my babies that are making me a mother. it is the day in and day out grind of attending to their every whim. i am here, this is my place. yes, it is dirty and noisy and completely thankless, but it is mine. this is the other life i was dreaming about. only it is better than my dream life in so many ways. i will never understand why these kids think i am up to the task of being their mother, but their belief in me is astounding. it is my job to live up to their expectations.
does it get better than this? no, because it never ends. the minute these little people passed through my body into the world they became my life. day by day i am learning to embrace this gift. not to say that i don't dream about more peace and quiet, but...well, when you have children you understand that there just isn't any such thing.
8.18.2004
don't mind me while i push this rock up a hill....
these are things i could do without:
being a referee for my children
being a maid (and not a very good one)
being told "don't worry" which is like telling me hold my breath for an hour
being petty, so petty that i hate people for their successes
being completely indifferent to my own appearance, other than loathesome
being in charge of finding fun activites for the kids
feeling like i would rather be anyplace than where i am
cleaning up the endless amount of crumbs around my house
being my own best friend
let me just say that when the blues hit, they take no prisoners. this is something that people who have never experienced depression can never understand. i once scared the shit out of someone when i described how i was feeling. it was like a small, cold metal ball was rolling throughout my insides, flattening all of my organs until i was completely hallow. i had become a shell. this person i had become was completely unrecognizable. i would spend hours staring at my refection trying to find some sort of human existance. i was unable to leave the house, sometimes i couldn't leave my bedroom. life had become like a blinding white light that burned. this may seem very melodramatic to you, but try spending 48 hours without sleep, talking to your cats and staring out at traffic. yes, i once lived in the bell jar.
sure, my medication helps, but i don't like living with a crutch. but, without it i fall down. ironic?! beats me. now when i fall, it is not as bad. now it is more like, FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ANYBODY OR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. i think this is not so much depression as it is motherhood.
SSDD
being a referee for my children
being a maid (and not a very good one)
being told "don't worry" which is like telling me hold my breath for an hour
being petty, so petty that i hate people for their successes
being completely indifferent to my own appearance, other than loathesome
being in charge of finding fun activites for the kids
feeling like i would rather be anyplace than where i am
cleaning up the endless amount of crumbs around my house
being my own best friend
let me just say that when the blues hit, they take no prisoners. this is something that people who have never experienced depression can never understand. i once scared the shit out of someone when i described how i was feeling. it was like a small, cold metal ball was rolling throughout my insides, flattening all of my organs until i was completely hallow. i had become a shell. this person i had become was completely unrecognizable. i would spend hours staring at my refection trying to find some sort of human existance. i was unable to leave the house, sometimes i couldn't leave my bedroom. life had become like a blinding white light that burned. this may seem very melodramatic to you, but try spending 48 hours without sleep, talking to your cats and staring out at traffic. yes, i once lived in the bell jar.
sure, my medication helps, but i don't like living with a crutch. but, without it i fall down. ironic?! beats me. now when i fall, it is not as bad. now it is more like, FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ANYBODY OR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. i think this is not so much depression as it is motherhood.
SSDD
8.16.2004
dream vacation?
i spent the week before our family vacation telling myself that i would soon be relaxing. as i did laundry, packed clothes, hunted down beach towels, bought sunblock, i told myself that soon i would be relaxing. i will be up north, on the lake, taking morning walks on the beach, swimming in the waves, going to sleep with the sounds of crickets. this was my mantra as i did the dishes after the dinner battle we have with the kids every night.
finally we were up north. ah, i could exhale now. now i can breathe deep and relax. then i began unpacking the clothes, went to the grocery store, made dinner, hung beach towels on the line, scooped dog poop from the yard and did the dishes.
what is funny (or depressing, depending on your antidepressant doseage) is that this morning i woke up feeling recharged. i told myself that this monday is the beginning of a fresh week. a fresh start. time to get back to business with a fresh perspective. i was doing the dishes this morning (yes, from the dinner the night before, again, think about the serving fork in the neck of my adoring husband) and the realization hit me like a wall.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A VACATION FOR ME. I DO THE SAME SHIT UP NORTH THAT I DO AT HOME. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
what should have been a moment where i burst into tears and run for my bed, i instead, found myself laughing. laughing so hard out loud that my daughter came in to check on me.
"what is it, mommy?"
yes, it is rare to see the mommy in her natural habitat in a fit of giggles.
"mommy just has the squirrels," i told her.
her face was frozen in utter confusion. i sat down on the floor of the kitchen and pulled her into my lap. i explained what "the squirrels" are and she enjoyed my ability to giggle like silly, just like her. i was caught up in this moment of recognition about my life and what kind of person i have become. i am coming to terms with my reality. sometimes it just doesn't get any better than that. i may not get a vacation anymore, but i can share a case of the giggles with my little girl.
there i was in my little moment of joy, my daughter in her princess nightgown, still warm and smelling of sleep. i hugged her to me and she whispered,
"mommy, don't get my beautiful nightgown wet. you know, your hands are wet. you should get a towel and dry them off. i don't want to be all wet. i will get cold and i will get sick. i will throw up and i don't want to throw up on my beautiful nightgown. it is my favorite one. see the princesses. they don't want to get wet. they don't want to get sick. remember when i threw up on you and all over your bed. was that disgusting?"
yes, it was. but i don't tell her that. instead i get up, dry off my hands on a dish towel. i turn to show her my hands are dry and there is no risk of contaminating her or the princesses on the nightgown, but she is gone. off to her busy schedule that nowadays involves me less. i am left alone in my sunny kitchen feeling dreamy and disconnected.
finally we were up north. ah, i could exhale now. now i can breathe deep and relax. then i began unpacking the clothes, went to the grocery store, made dinner, hung beach towels on the line, scooped dog poop from the yard and did the dishes.
what is funny (or depressing, depending on your antidepressant doseage) is that this morning i woke up feeling recharged. i told myself that this monday is the beginning of a fresh week. a fresh start. time to get back to business with a fresh perspective. i was doing the dishes this morning (yes, from the dinner the night before, again, think about the serving fork in the neck of my adoring husband) and the realization hit me like a wall.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A VACATION FOR ME. I DO THE SAME SHIT UP NORTH THAT I DO AT HOME. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.
what should have been a moment where i burst into tears and run for my bed, i instead, found myself laughing. laughing so hard out loud that my daughter came in to check on me.
"what is it, mommy?"
yes, it is rare to see the mommy in her natural habitat in a fit of giggles.
"mommy just has the squirrels," i told her.
her face was frozen in utter confusion. i sat down on the floor of the kitchen and pulled her into my lap. i explained what "the squirrels" are and she enjoyed my ability to giggle like silly, just like her. i was caught up in this moment of recognition about my life and what kind of person i have become. i am coming to terms with my reality. sometimes it just doesn't get any better than that. i may not get a vacation anymore, but i can share a case of the giggles with my little girl.
there i was in my little moment of joy, my daughter in her princess nightgown, still warm and smelling of sleep. i hugged her to me and she whispered,
"mommy, don't get my beautiful nightgown wet. you know, your hands are wet. you should get a towel and dry them off. i don't want to be all wet. i will get cold and i will get sick. i will throw up and i don't want to throw up on my beautiful nightgown. it is my favorite one. see the princesses. they don't want to get wet. they don't want to get sick. remember when i threw up on you and all over your bed. was that disgusting?"
yes, it was. but i don't tell her that. instead i get up, dry off my hands on a dish towel. i turn to show her my hands are dry and there is no risk of contaminating her or the princesses on the nightgown, but she is gone. off to her busy schedule that nowadays involves me less. i am left alone in my sunny kitchen feeling dreamy and disconnected.
my mistake & my mistake: part 2 (the sequel)
emma has a sippy cup that she got on a trip to the zoo. it is shaped like a polar bear and is affectionately known as "polarbearcup." yes, one word. when she is not sipping happily she is chewing on his plastic ears. everytime i see polarbearcup i dream about having him "sleep with the fishes."
the problem is that emma is really attached to him. she hasn't been this attached to anything (other than monkey, who is the exception) since her can of tomato paste. it brought me to tears watching her carry that can to bed with her, sing it songs, tuck into bed and kiss it goodnight. that can of tomato paste spent 3 months sleeping in her bed. once she would fall asleep i would sneak into her room and try and remove the can, but to no avail. emma always had a death grip on that can. she and her can had a very satisfying relationship until one night when she was in the tub and i had a pasta emergency. we acted very surprized at his sudden disappearing act. comforted emma at her loss. promised to find a new and better tomato paste can. emma replied:
"don't want 'nother. he dead now."
jesus christ. even dan turned on me demanding, "how come you had to use that can? couldn't you just go to the store and get another can?" (this was one of those hallmark moments where i find myself staring at his face, watching his lips move, not listening to anything he is saying because i am too busy imagining the thrill i would get from stabbing him in the forehead with a steak knife.)
so, emma and polarbearcup were in her room last week, spending some quality time drawing princess pictures, enjoying the good life, and a few nibbles on the plastic ears in between sips of juice. i was running around getting everyone packed for our week up north (again, love the husband, but totally MIA when it comes to getting ready for ANYTHING). in our haste to leave the next morning, polarbearcup was left in emma's room to ferment for an entire week, in the heat.
needless to say, when i discovered him on the floor, or should i say the smell of the entity found me, i was thrilled. at last, JUSTIFIBLE HOMICIDE. i quickly made my way to the kitchen, like a thief in the night, preparing polarbearcup for his impending doom.
i whispered to him, "well, it's been nice knowing ya." there i was, polarbearcup in hand, hovering over the garbage can, when i froze. should i open him up and pour out whatever is inside? i could remove it and send it to the center for disease control for the study of agressive molds.
my mind was racing, "no, 'he who hesitates is lost.' toss it!" suddenly i heard a small voice....
"hello, um, hi....ah, what are you doing? um, i know i smell bad, but don't you think this is a bit drastic? you aren't really going to throw me away are you? what about our little girl? what will she think? do you really want another repeat of the tomato paste can incident. you know, she told me all about it. she has her suspicions about you.....hey, now. stop right there. don't do it. please have mercy on me. STOP, PLEASE, THINK OF THE CHILDREN."
he had me at hello. maybe it was something about his disfigured ears, or the way his eyes met mine, all i know is i froze. that was my first mistake. children should be forced to wear bells around their necks to prevent sidling. emma caught me in a moment of weakness.
"NONONONONONONONONONO....WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T THROW POLARBEARCUP AWAY!! I LOVE HIM! GIMME IT!"
this is where i made my second mistake. i attempted a rational conversation with my 3 year old. i tried to EXPLAIN the situation to her: polarbearcup is dirty, mommy can't clean him, he is old and yucky, you will get sick and throw up if you use this, i can't fix this problem, and even the gold standard: we will go to the zoo soon (remember -- no specifics) and get a new polarbearcup.
emma calmly evaluated the situation.
"WE WASH HIM."
so now, polarbearcup is sitting in a warm sitz bath in my kitchen sink. this is my punishment for even hesitating in destroying polarbearcup. i am forced to boil water, dunk him in holy water and pray that she won't get a disease using him. well, it was my mistake. as i passed thru the kitchen earlier i swear i heard a vile voice from the sink:
"bitch"
the problem is that emma is really attached to him. she hasn't been this attached to anything (other than monkey, who is the exception) since her can of tomato paste. it brought me to tears watching her carry that can to bed with her, sing it songs, tuck into bed and kiss it goodnight. that can of tomato paste spent 3 months sleeping in her bed. once she would fall asleep i would sneak into her room and try and remove the can, but to no avail. emma always had a death grip on that can. she and her can had a very satisfying relationship until one night when she was in the tub and i had a pasta emergency. we acted very surprized at his sudden disappearing act. comforted emma at her loss. promised to find a new and better tomato paste can. emma replied:
"don't want 'nother. he dead now."
jesus christ. even dan turned on me demanding, "how come you had to use that can? couldn't you just go to the store and get another can?" (this was one of those hallmark moments where i find myself staring at his face, watching his lips move, not listening to anything he is saying because i am too busy imagining the thrill i would get from stabbing him in the forehead with a steak knife.)
so, emma and polarbearcup were in her room last week, spending some quality time drawing princess pictures, enjoying the good life, and a few nibbles on the plastic ears in between sips of juice. i was running around getting everyone packed for our week up north (again, love the husband, but totally MIA when it comes to getting ready for ANYTHING). in our haste to leave the next morning, polarbearcup was left in emma's room to ferment for an entire week, in the heat.
needless to say, when i discovered him on the floor, or should i say the smell of the entity found me, i was thrilled. at last, JUSTIFIBLE HOMICIDE. i quickly made my way to the kitchen, like a thief in the night, preparing polarbearcup for his impending doom.
i whispered to him, "well, it's been nice knowing ya." there i was, polarbearcup in hand, hovering over the garbage can, when i froze. should i open him up and pour out whatever is inside? i could remove it and send it to the center for disease control for the study of agressive molds.
my mind was racing, "no, 'he who hesitates is lost.' toss it!" suddenly i heard a small voice....
"hello, um, hi....ah, what are you doing? um, i know i smell bad, but don't you think this is a bit drastic? you aren't really going to throw me away are you? what about our little girl? what will she think? do you really want another repeat of the tomato paste can incident. you know, she told me all about it. she has her suspicions about you.....hey, now. stop right there. don't do it. please have mercy on me. STOP, PLEASE, THINK OF THE CHILDREN."
he had me at hello. maybe it was something about his disfigured ears, or the way his eyes met mine, all i know is i froze. that was my first mistake. children should be forced to wear bells around their necks to prevent sidling. emma caught me in a moment of weakness.
"NONONONONONONONONONO....WHAT ARE YOU DOING? DON'T THROW POLARBEARCUP AWAY!! I LOVE HIM! GIMME IT!"
this is where i made my second mistake. i attempted a rational conversation with my 3 year old. i tried to EXPLAIN the situation to her: polarbearcup is dirty, mommy can't clean him, he is old and yucky, you will get sick and throw up if you use this, i can't fix this problem, and even the gold standard: we will go to the zoo soon (remember -- no specifics) and get a new polarbearcup.
emma calmly evaluated the situation.
"WE WASH HIM."
so now, polarbearcup is sitting in a warm sitz bath in my kitchen sink. this is my punishment for even hesitating in destroying polarbearcup. i am forced to boil water, dunk him in holy water and pray that she won't get a disease using him. well, it was my mistake. as i passed thru the kitchen earlier i swear i heard a vile voice from the sink:
"bitch"
8.04.2004
an island, unto myself
friendships are hard to find. good friendships, i should say. god knows i have had my share of the absolute worst kind of friendships. i read these books about women who have been friends for years and years. they actually have someone (same sex) to share their life with. i miss that. i don't have that. dan is my best friend, and i must admit, the best "girlfriend" i have ever had. he is supportive, patient and honest (when necessary). but, i still feel a pang everytime i see oprah and gail going on and on about what a wonderful time they had doing such and such. why is it so hard for me to make friends. is there something horribly wrong with me? don't answer that.
i was under the "delusion" that once i had children i would be privy to an exclusive club in which i would be surrounded by other women who shared the same life experiences. after all, it isn't the "having of the baby" that makes a woman a mother. it is the actual raising of the child that completely transforms a person. no, i wasn't stupid enough to think that all women would feel the same way i do, but i was hard pressed to find even one in my "first time mommy" group. since then the majority of "playdates" have been really lame. is it so hard to admit that this "mommy" thing takes some getting used to. i know i am blessed with having these two perfect and healthy kids, but come on. this is hard work! is it admitting failure if i say that this is not what i expected?
motherhood, like life, has it's good and BAD points. am i a bad mother because i admit it is not always sunshine doing this job day in and day out, LITERALLY!!
what is with all the competition regarding how great/awful your husband is, how much weight you have lost since the baby, how much money you have, how many nights you go out and do something wonderful, how much shopping you do, how great your car/suv is, how big your new house is, blah, blah, blah. and not to mention the ugly and petty game of "how my child is so much more advanced, intelligent, creative, etc. than yours. do we ever get off the playground?
my insanity craves company. misery loves company. sometimes i wish i had someone to vent to, besides dan. i think he could use a break from me to.
i am a rock. i am an island.
i was under the "delusion" that once i had children i would be privy to an exclusive club in which i would be surrounded by other women who shared the same life experiences. after all, it isn't the "having of the baby" that makes a woman a mother. it is the actual raising of the child that completely transforms a person. no, i wasn't stupid enough to think that all women would feel the same way i do, but i was hard pressed to find even one in my "first time mommy" group. since then the majority of "playdates" have been really lame. is it so hard to admit that this "mommy" thing takes some getting used to. i know i am blessed with having these two perfect and healthy kids, but come on. this is hard work! is it admitting failure if i say that this is not what i expected?
motherhood, like life, has it's good and BAD points. am i a bad mother because i admit it is not always sunshine doing this job day in and day out, LITERALLY!!
what is with all the competition regarding how great/awful your husband is, how much weight you have lost since the baby, how much money you have, how many nights you go out and do something wonderful, how much shopping you do, how great your car/suv is, how big your new house is, blah, blah, blah. and not to mention the ugly and petty game of "how my child is so much more advanced, intelligent, creative, etc. than yours. do we ever get off the playground?
my insanity craves company. misery loves company. sometimes i wish i had someone to vent to, besides dan. i think he could use a break from me to.
i am a rock. i am an island.
8.02.2004
i simply remember my favorite things and then.....
i have been married for 10 years. this amazes me when i think about it. it seems like a long time, but i still feel like i am a recent bride. i think this is because of my choice of spouse. DAN ROCKS. these are just a few of the things that keep me insane about my love:
i love that, before we had kids, dan would rather lay in bed with me and watch movies on lifetime all day on saturday.
i love that he remembers what lifetime movie we were watching the night my water broke with emma.
when watching a tv promo for the upcoming "growing up gotti," i told dan i wanted to be victoria gotti when i grow up and he said, "i want to be her left boob."
at night, without my asking, dan will hand over the t-shirt he has been wearing to me so that i can sleep in it.
i love that he brings me a coke first thing in the morning.
he understands that when i have the tv remote (pretty much all the time) there is NO chance of any sporting channel being watched.
in the morning he asks what i dreamed about because he gets a kick out of my dreams.
he always loves my haircuts, no matter how god-awful they look.
he always puts a new roll of toilet paper on the holder.
he never denies it, he knows how bad his feet smell.
he adores his kids, and shows it.
he will take my car, fill it up with gas, clean it out and get it washed FOR NO REASON.
he says, "well, i bought us the losing lottery ticket." and then proceeds to be optimistic enough to dream about how he will spend the money.
he loves me enough to tell me when i am losing it.
he is really great to my mom and dad. (yes, they love him more than me, he will even admit this to be true.)
he knows he can't dance.
he makes noises when he eats.
when i shake him awake at night, he immediately wakes up and holds me. he will tell me long stories about when he lived in nebraska to help me fall back asleep. he then has absolutely no recollection of this happening the following morning.
he calls me during the day and leaves me messages like, "hey, it's me......LONG PAUSE.....so, ahhhh, yeah. listen, um, you know those papers i had last night, um.....LONG PAUSE.....i was reading them in the....um.....just a sec.......um....the papers, do you know where they are? ahhhhh, you know what, never mind, it is not important, i can find them when i get home. but, if you see them in the bathroom or in my office or by the front door in the mail basket could you call me and let me know. but, i can find them when i get home. ok, see ya later."
calls right back, "hey, it's me. don't worry about those papers. i love you."
10 years and counting. i love him, but i still have those moments when he is talking to me and i am picturing myself putting a fork in his neck and collecting the insurance money. i wonder where those insurance papers are..........
i love that, before we had kids, dan would rather lay in bed with me and watch movies on lifetime all day on saturday.
i love that he remembers what lifetime movie we were watching the night my water broke with emma.
when watching a tv promo for the upcoming "growing up gotti," i told dan i wanted to be victoria gotti when i grow up and he said, "i want to be her left boob."
at night, without my asking, dan will hand over the t-shirt he has been wearing to me so that i can sleep in it.
i love that he brings me a coke first thing in the morning.
he understands that when i have the tv remote (pretty much all the time) there is NO chance of any sporting channel being watched.
in the morning he asks what i dreamed about because he gets a kick out of my dreams.
he always loves my haircuts, no matter how god-awful they look.
he always puts a new roll of toilet paper on the holder.
he never denies it, he knows how bad his feet smell.
he adores his kids, and shows it.
he will take my car, fill it up with gas, clean it out and get it washed FOR NO REASON.
he says, "well, i bought us the losing lottery ticket." and then proceeds to be optimistic enough to dream about how he will spend the money.
he loves me enough to tell me when i am losing it.
he is really great to my mom and dad. (yes, they love him more than me, he will even admit this to be true.)
he knows he can't dance.
he makes noises when he eats.
when i shake him awake at night, he immediately wakes up and holds me. he will tell me long stories about when he lived in nebraska to help me fall back asleep. he then has absolutely no recollection of this happening the following morning.
he calls me during the day and leaves me messages like, "hey, it's me......LONG PAUSE.....so, ahhhh, yeah. listen, um, you know those papers i had last night, um.....LONG PAUSE.....i was reading them in the....um.....just a sec.......um....the papers, do you know where they are? ahhhhh, you know what, never mind, it is not important, i can find them when i get home. but, if you see them in the bathroom or in my office or by the front door in the mail basket could you call me and let me know. but, i can find them when i get home. ok, see ya later."
calls right back, "hey, it's me. don't worry about those papers. i love you."
10 years and counting. i love him, but i still have those moments when he is talking to me and i am picturing myself putting a fork in his neck and collecting the insurance money. i wonder where those insurance papers are..........
8.01.2004
it's the most wonderful time of the year....
i love the month of august. i haven't always loved august. as a child i hated the month of august because it reminded me that i would be returning to school very soon.
let the worry and anxiety run free.....
as you may have guessed, i was the type of kid that used to spend the entire month of august dreading the upcoming school year. i can even remember telling my mom that i couldn't possibly go to 2nd grade because i didn't know 2nd grade math. my mother would patiently try and explain that i would be taught 2nd grade math and didn't need to know 2nd grade anything. she would lovingly explain that i would be taught 2nd grade stuff, but i would just look at her like she was crazy. i was also the type of kid who would obsess about my testing scores.
"look at my reading level, i only read at a 4th grade level. kristin reads at a 5th grade level. and look at my math scores. i only reached 2nd grade level in math."
my mom would remind me that i was only in 1st grade and had nothing to worry about, but i knew she was lying. i wonder if she ever spent a sleepless night whispering with my dad about my future.
mom: "how can she only be reading at a 4th grade level at age 7? what will become of her?"
dad: "i don't know, but she isn't living here for the rest of her life."
mom: "what kind of life can she possibly have with those math scores? "
dad: "i don't know, but i do know she is not living here after high school."
what is truly sad is that i haven't done that much with my life, so maybe that testing really did predict my future. lucky for my dad i don't live at home anymore. can you hear the sigh of relief?
now i love august. the main reason for my love of august is because it is the month of our vacation. i look forward to one week up north with my little family, dog included. there is something very calming about staring out at the lake or watching your kids run naked up and down the beach in the early evening, or running to catch the train and waving at the conductor. i live for this week.
i also live for the end of august because it means the return of school, not just for me, but for the monkeys. now when i see all the "back to school merchandise" my heart fills with glee. it has been a really fun summer with my kids, but let's get real here. i may not be ready for all the drama that comes with the school year, but i am definitely running out of activities for the little people. i don't want to paint, paste, bake, go to the park to watch you climb the monkey bars, put the pool out, turn on the sprinkler, play restaurant, play magic princesses, paint your toenails, make "fun" lunches for an indoor picnic ANYMORE.
I AM JUST ABOUT DONE WITH FULL TIME ENTERTAINING. LET THE QUIET MORNINGS COME TO ME SOON.
does this make me a bad mother. at this point i don't really give a shit. all i know is i am packing to leave on a vacation that doesn't start for another week.
let the worry and anxiety run free.....
as you may have guessed, i was the type of kid that used to spend the entire month of august dreading the upcoming school year. i can even remember telling my mom that i couldn't possibly go to 2nd grade because i didn't know 2nd grade math. my mother would patiently try and explain that i would be taught 2nd grade math and didn't need to know 2nd grade anything. she would lovingly explain that i would be taught 2nd grade stuff, but i would just look at her like she was crazy. i was also the type of kid who would obsess about my testing scores.
"look at my reading level, i only read at a 4th grade level. kristin reads at a 5th grade level. and look at my math scores. i only reached 2nd grade level in math."
my mom would remind me that i was only in 1st grade and had nothing to worry about, but i knew she was lying. i wonder if she ever spent a sleepless night whispering with my dad about my future.
mom: "how can she only be reading at a 4th grade level at age 7? what will become of her?"
dad: "i don't know, but she isn't living here for the rest of her life."
mom: "what kind of life can she possibly have with those math scores? "
dad: "i don't know, but i do know she is not living here after high school."
what is truly sad is that i haven't done that much with my life, so maybe that testing really did predict my future. lucky for my dad i don't live at home anymore. can you hear the sigh of relief?
now i love august. the main reason for my love of august is because it is the month of our vacation. i look forward to one week up north with my little family, dog included. there is something very calming about staring out at the lake or watching your kids run naked up and down the beach in the early evening, or running to catch the train and waving at the conductor. i live for this week.
i also live for the end of august because it means the return of school, not just for me, but for the monkeys. now when i see all the "back to school merchandise" my heart fills with glee. it has been a really fun summer with my kids, but let's get real here. i may not be ready for all the drama that comes with the school year, but i am definitely running out of activities for the little people. i don't want to paint, paste, bake, go to the park to watch you climb the monkey bars, put the pool out, turn on the sprinkler, play restaurant, play magic princesses, paint your toenails, make "fun" lunches for an indoor picnic ANYMORE.
I AM JUST ABOUT DONE WITH FULL TIME ENTERTAINING. LET THE QUIET MORNINGS COME TO ME SOON.
does this make me a bad mother. at this point i don't really give a shit. all i know is i am packing to leave on a vacation that doesn't start for another week.
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