10.25.2004

what the......?!?!?!

what the fuck is up with halloween? i thought christmas was bad, with it's months of good cheer, decorations, and parties. but now we have these week long, mind-numbing, teeth-rotting celebrations for halloween. it is halloween for fuck sake! what happened to coloring pictures of pumpkins in school, coming home and putting on your costume, trick or treating for 30 minutes, and staying up late to watch a monster movie? why the hell must these children have such elaborate celebrations? i can't believe that my kids have already attended a party in their costumes, a WEEK BEFORE halloween. HELP!

i think i would rather just sit in a very sincere pumpkin patch with linus van pelt and wait for the great pumpkin. i won't even be disappointed, especially if linus tries to hold my hand.

happy halloween, blockheads!

this life is gonna leave a mark

anybody see the "skating incident" on tv? if you watch the today show you saw it. they played the video of those russian skaters over and over again. i haven't seen such an overplay of video since reagan was shot. that poor girl. katie c was interviewing both the skaters this morning. i found it very interesting that the coach had to sit BETWEEN the skaters. i am sure if she could have reached him she would have turned that rooster into a chicken.

katie: "wow. that really looks like it hurt.."

NO SHIT! how about we drop ms. c on her face, 10 feet up in the air, and have her land on ice. i am not russian, but if i were that skater i would be living on painkillers and vodka. she had this cool and solid determination about her, "i will skate again, very soon." i believe her. and i wouldn't be surprised if her partner soon falls victim to "an accident."

10.14.2004

meeting notice

hollendais!

those of you familiar with the uber-feminist club will recognize that greeting. we are planning our next meeting this week of the uber-feminist club (formerly known as the ladies auxiliary group). as you see, we have our new name, thanks to the committee for new names! in case you don't know, we chose "uber" because it sounded neat and fancy. and of course, we have "feminist" because that is what we are, the new feminists (not those pesky no-bra-wearing, working hard for the money, independent-thinking, outspoken nagging women).

i am so excited to be hosting the next meeting. the agenda is just packed full of things for us to discuss. leading the discussion will be Mrs. Ward Cleaver, whose latest book, "Vacuuming In Pearls" is just full of useful (and necessary) tips for the uber-feminist of today. Her talk will focus on the following points:

The importance of greeting your hard-working husband at the door with a fancy face, wearing a freshly ironed (and spotless) apron.

The joy of putting yourself second.

Why a daily cat-nap is equal to comitting a mortal sin.

Leaving the decision making to your husband, it is his job to lead.


Our last meeting was just thrilling! I thank our media watch committee for their report on the following:

"Why Oprah may be the anti-christ"

And here we were thinking it was ok to watch her. All that talk about taking "control of your life," "finding your true passion," and "the importance of being financially aware." YIKES! A true uber-feminist knows that all control issues are left to the husband. After all, we know who really is the most imporant person in our lives....us...god....NO SILLY, it is our husband. And isn't he just wonderful. Thank God we don't have to trouble ourselves trying to find meaning in our lives. Let the man tell us what he needs. It is the job of the uber-feminist to meet those needs. And what a full time job that can be, can I get an amen from the uber-femi's.

I would also like to send a thank you to our uber-feminist health issues committee, who provided information regarding the "our bodies, our selves -- lies for women" discussion. We are so bombarded with open and frank discussions about women and their sexuality. UG! Finally, someone has the guts to tell it like it is. Our "monthly girlie thing" is not to be a concern for our husbands. Can you believe some so-called wives actually have their husbands buying feminie hygine products for them? We uber-feminist know that this is our cross to bear alone and silently. And what is with all this "equality in sexual politics?" As uber-feminists, we understand and accept that we are to follow our husbands lead. When, where, and how is his decision, not ours. Can you imagine wives actually telling their husbands they want sex and how to pleasure them?!? As if a wife has the actual desire for such things.

So I implore all of you to attend our next meeting. Let's see how many ideas we can share on the following topics:

Why cleaning house really is women's work.
How to learn to leave your husband alone when he gets home from work.
Keeping up appearances, even if you are at the grocery store.
Learning to make your weekly allowance stretch for 2 weeks.
The importance of keeping your feelings to yourself.
How to learn to be invisible.
How to deal with self-loathing.
Keeping your suicide-fantasies to a minimum.


Ah, the uber-feminist. The world really is a wonderful place.....as long as we are home alone.....seen and not heard......stay out of the workforce.....keep our feelings of lonliness and isolation to ourselves.

Cous Cous

10.12.2004

the cleavers, we ain't

this is dinner at our house:

emma eating dinner wearing only a pair of summer shorts.

nik demanding to know what animal this "stuff" came from.

emma using her steak as a utensil to eat her ketchup, with her fingers

nik asking if i can still hear the music even though he is plugging his ears (yes, i can)

emma announcing how much she loves this "jango fet" music and dancing around while licking her fingers (for the record we were listening to django reinhart---not to be confused with the character, jango fet, from star wars).

emma screaming at the top of her lungs thinking she has blood on her stomach, which turns out to be ketchup.

emma nearly choking to death from the combination of laughing at herself and shoving a side of a cow down her throat.

me saying, "ALL RIGHT, DINNER IS NOW DONE."

dan and i laughing as both the children see how many mini cookies they can shove in their mouth and spraying each other with cookie crumbs.

miss manners would have a heart attack if she had to dine at this zoo. at least my kids are past flinging their poo at each other across the table. i am kidding.....or am i?

10.08.2004

up & away in my beautiful balloon....

WARNING -- THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A WHIFF OF POLITICS. 'TIS THE SEASON.....


i have been talking way too much lately. i have been having an out-of-body experience while i am in the middle of conversations. my mouth is running a mile a minute and suddenly i float off. no longer aware of what i am saying. then, in an instant i am back in the moment. however, i cannot remember what i am talking about but am painfully aware that i am talking. and talking. and talking. so, then i am nervous and embarassed, my face turns purple and my conversation ends up in me saying something like:

"well, so, like i don't know. i'm just so crazy. who am i to talk. i mean, ya know, life is so funny that way....."

i trail off into oblivion, the stares of the people around me cause me to laugh nervously and i end up chirping like a crazed squirrel.

i so wish that all of my talking could be held in one of those cartoon balloons. that way when i zap back into the middle of my conversations i could politely excuse myself and float away.

"....so, like, ummmm...yeah, excuse me. i need to just grab these words and get the fuck out of here. it may seem rude, but really i am doing this for your own good. if i don't float away right now i am just going to keep rambling to you and i have no idea what we are talking about. bye bye......"

ah, if only life could be like cartoons. i can only imagine what i would look like. a frumpy watermelon-shaped-head creature with a long nose and giant teeth that fly out of my big mouth when i laugh. clown feet that trip me, even when i am sitting on my alaskan sized butt. a chirping voice that rises to ear-splitting levels when upset. tall and wide forehead that has a running ticker with the following: "WARNING! SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR ADULTS AND CHILDREN! PERSCRIPTION MEDICATION ADVISED. CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. HANDLE WITH CARE!" what a pretty picture.

it is friday family movie night here. although dan and i are biding our time until the kids go to bed and we can really let our hair down. soft lights, the warm glow of the television, eating chinese food in bed....and listening to dan scream at george w. and me yelling at dan, "quiet! i can't hear a goddamn thing when you yell!" nik coming out into the hallway to see what all the yelling is about, "hey, relax you guys. we are all friends here. why is daddy yelling at the president?" emma coming out of her room to see what all the activity is about and deciding to climb up into our love nest/bed and eat all of my chinese food. both of the kids telling dan to stop yelling at the president. dan using some junk words and promising both the kids he will put $10 into the junk word jar. me saying, "ALL RIGHT. IT IS NOW TIME FOR EVERYONE TO RETURN TO THEIR ROOMS AND GO TO SLEEP." me making dan go back out to get more food. me falling asleep waiting for dan to come back. me waking up in the middle of the night and looking over at my husband sleeping soundly. i will look at him and feel a sudden rush of love. sometimes it hits me so hard i lose my breath. i will nudge him in the ribs and kiss him on the nose and i will be reminded of how lucky i am.

god bless and remember to VOTE!

10.06.2004

the force is strong......










watch for the cameo by "evita." see how seriously she takes this! oh, yeah, the lump on the couch...that is me. i managed to sleep thru all of this. well, if you were home sick with hand, foot and mouth for a week what would you do? you without the sin of boredom cast the first stone.

10.01.2004

loves o' mine

tell me i am not the luckiest woman in the world....


what says summer more than wet grassy feet


'tis a thing of beauty


oh, nik is sooooo mature for his age


me and evita


the spoils of summer


the lake holds many mysteries


these things will meet a horrible end when dan isn't looking


yes, this motherhood thing is hard, but sometimes they make my job effortless


i figured after all the ranting and raving i have done lately i should be more positive. this is my attempt at being suzy sunshine. i am a work in progress.....