HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOO

today my firsborn, my beautiful son, Nikolas was born. he is now 6 years old. i can't believe it. i remember almost everything about the day he was born. mostly i remember, after pushing for an hour, whispering to my husband "what is taking so long. what are we waiting for?" dan just laughed and said in his loud voice, "sweetie, we are waiting for you to push the baby out." what had i been doing for an hour? was this pre-pushing? the dr. informed me there was no such thing. that if i wanted the baby out i would have to push him all the way out.

FOUR HOURS LATER, this beautiful purple and green lizard-boy with an extended head finally arrived. when they placed nik on my chest i actually gasped. the dr. said, "yep, a 10 lb. 12 oz. baby will do that to you."

i always laugh to myself when i hear of women who absolutely refuse to even consider any type of medication for childbirth. i salute you. me, i like the drugs.

but, this is not about me, although i am responsible for him being here. never mind the pain i endured. never mind the extra backfat i now carry with me. never mind my body looks as if an animal clawed his way out. i have nikolas.

nikolas is now 6. he is the most interesting person i know. he uses phrases like, "by the way" and "did i happen to mention." I LOVE THAT. he has a wonderful sense of humor and a very sharp intellect. he has lost so much of the momma's boy personality, but still likes it when i snuggle to him in bed. when i say goodbye to him at school he insists on just waving. no messy kisses allowed. but when i tuck him in at night he whispers in my ear, "momma i am going to buy a house near you when i grow up. that way i can still see you everyday. will you still love me?"

this is where the happy tears flow freely. i can't even imagine what this beautiful boy could do that would ever make me stop loving him. dan's parents haven't spoken to him in years. my parents forgot nik's birthday today. this baffles me. i constantly strive to keep what is most important in my mind. HUSBAND AND CHILDREN. it may not seem like a lot, but to me i am the richest woman in the world.

after opening his presents, we had cake for breakfast. nik and emma have been home sick all week with the damn HAND FOOT AND MOUTH virus. i have also fallen victim of this motherfucker of a virus. nik's mouth is covered with so many sores he can barely eat. nik was unable to eat his birthday cake and ran crying to his room. "this is the worst birthday of my life!" how small do we feel? i promised nik that once all the sores were healed there would be cake for breakfast again. this brought a smile to my boo's face. that smile made my day.

welcome to virus island

DAMN HAND FOOT AND MOUTH!!!

what is this virus? i hadn't heard about this until last year. nik had managed to escape lice, rsv, chicken pox, and this hand foot mouth disease. why do they call it a disease? isn't this just a virus. the kind of virus that is reeking havoc on my life. leave it to emma to bring it home and share.

this is my life for the past 3 days:

emma with a fever between 100.9 and 102.8
emma yelling
emma covered in a rash that is painful to the touch
popsicle
popsicle
coke (for me)
emma yelling
emma sleeping for 20 minutes and then yelling
emma having a fever so high she is seeing bugs on her wall that aren't there
popsicle
popsicle
emma fever
emma yelling
me going to get nik from school because he is now sick
emma fever
emma now refusing to eat popsicle
coke (for me and nik)
nik in wizard costume sleeping like an angel
me crying in the bathroom from lack of sleep
emma fever hitting 102
me freaking out and actually yelling at the nurse in my pediatrician's office
me apologizing
me yelling again
emma crying her lungs out as i give her a tepid bath to break the fever
nik helping me (what a godsend, extra birthday presents this year)
hubby coming home to absolute nightmare
hubby bringing sherbert home for emma
emma happy to see daddy (this lasts for about 3 minutes)
emma yelling
emma having another tepid bath
emma calm and resting next to me in my bed
emma puking all over me
emma yelling
emma fever
emma not sleeping
family not sleeping
me hating to see my little baby so unhappy and there is nothing i can do about it


the best part of the past 3 days: kathryn, who upon hearing that emma was reallly sick with hand foot and mouth actually said the following:

"how can she have that? she isn't around any cows? when was she around any livestock?"

god bless kathryn. and god help me. this lie about fever lasting 3 days is bullshit. poor nik should be at his worst for his birthday later this week. nobody ever tells you this part of parenthood. sick kids and you feeling completely helpless.

pity party, table for one

i know you! you were the girl on the playground that didn't participate with the group. you made yourself the outsider. you vowed revenge on all who made you feel so lonely. you were going to show the world. they would be sorry. gee, you are starting to sound a lot like carrie. remember what happened to her? personally, you could go up in flames and i wouldn't mind.

you think you have discovered something special and should be the only one entitled to use it. what make you think only your words are worth reading? what makes you think that no one else has any thing of any relevance to say? who the fuck do you think you are?

"this is mine and only for me. i am the only person who has something important to say. i am not going to share. see how smart and funny i am? don't you envy me, NOW? don't you wish you could be me? all you have are cheap imitations, i am the original and the best."

FUCK YOU!

i know you. and you know that. i know how pathetic you really are. i know how you feel when you look in the mirror. all your worst fears are true. you are the worst. you are still the same sad little miss nothing you were growing up. you haven't changed at all. you can pretend and rewrite history all you want. you haven't grown up at all. go on, have your big dreams of "being something." i know you are a great pretender, but i also remember everything you said. you told me things you shouldn't have and i will forever hold them against you. you make me sick.

enjoy your empty little existance. i know that each day you will wake up to the reality that you are not good enough.....for ANYTHING. but, hey, keep trying. i admire how you continue to try even though you know you will always fail. good luck with all that.

by the way, did i mention that your husband attempted an inappropriate intimacy with me? hard to believe? really....think about it. think about your sad little life, your desperate attempts to "keep things going." isn't it amazing how thin that string is...you know the string that is holding your entire "little happy life" together. a strong wind can and will break it...again and again. but, hey, keep trying.

you are one pathetic plucky little snail.

the lean, mean, processed-meat-eating machine

i am driving in the car. evita is in the backseat. i come to an intersection and realize that because of construction, the road i need is closed. i decide to turn left, from the right hand lane. normally, i would never do such a thing, but it was either turn illegally or run off the road. apparently the bald guy in the convertable bmw behind me didn't care if i ran off the road because as i made the illegal turn he yelled, "bitch." to which i responded, "are you out of your fucking mind?!?!" then i hear from the backseat, "HEY, YOU MISTER, DON'T SAY THAT JUNK WORD!"

i have never been so proud! i apologized to emma for my use of the junk word and for yelling at the guy. emma responded with, "it's ok, momma. he should not talk that way to my momma. he is making bad decisions. i don't like that mean man."

emma. she may not always like me, but she always "got my back."

did you happen to see the most beautiful boy in the world?

nikolas, the love of my life, overheard me telling dan that i was going to take kathryn (my mom) to target this morning. there is an entire blog entry coming on what it means to "take kathryn to target," but that comes later. nik has the capacity to hear me whisper to dan about birthday presents or cookies being in the house, but he can't hear me say, "5 minutes before we leave for school." amazing, isn't it?

so i am brushing my teeth, talking to dan (who is in the shower ---- we often have conversations this way, privacy no longer exists in our home) and nik suddenly is hugging me from behind. "i love you, momma. you are the best momma in the whole universe and earth, too. i think you look very pretty this morning, and your breath smells really good." i hug him and cover his face with kisses. i know that this is a ploy to win me over for something, but i love the attention so i play along.

me: "why thank you, nik. how sweet of you to say so."

nik: "you know, if you wanted to, you could buy me a teddy bear at target."

me: "well, what about the other 10 teddy bears you have already? won't they be jealous if i bring another bear into the house? you hardly have any room in your bed to sleep. how would your bears feel if they had to give up more of the bed to make room for another bear?"

nik: "mom, we all need to learn to get along. there should be room for any bear who wants to sleep in my bed. i don't mind. i could even sleep on the floor."

mind you, this boy has a bunk bed, filled to capacity with animals and pillows.

me: "that is very generous of you, honey. i don't think i can't get a new bear today."

nik: "mom, is it a money issue?"

me: "ummmm, ok, yeah, it is a money issue."

nik: "that i understand, mom. will you let me know when daddy has money and then you can ask him if it is ok for you to have some money so that you can buy me a new bear?"

me: "sure thing nik. i will ask daddy for my allowance and then spend it on you."

nik: "what is an allowance? why are you laughing? what is so funny? are you losing it, momma?"

yeah, i am losing it.

sunday blues

my mother was the first person to explain the concept of the "sunday blues" to me. i could never understand why i felt the way i did on sundays. it is a combination of exhaustion and nervous anxiety. i am sooooooo tired, but my mind is racing. my legs feel like cement, but my heart is racing. my skull is throbing. i feel like my scalp is going to fall off the sides of my head revealing a pulsating skull.

help. my nerves are frazzled. between my school, the kids in school, the cost of our new kitchen, dan's employment situation, my dad's health, my sister.....blah, blah. don't get me started on the upcoming election, the death of the school children in russia, the starving children in africa, the homeless situation in america, the amount of families without healthcare coverage or even enough food to eat.......UG.

my fingers hurt, my brain is swelling, i feel like i can't breathe. i want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

i take a deep breath and watch my daughter dance around the basement naked. i listen to my son tell me all about tornados and how a black hole can bend light. i watch my husband fold the clean laundry. i watch the dog curl up on the couch for another nap. i whisper a prayer to god. i thank him for all my blessings and ask him to watch over the world. people without any faith in any religion can't quite understand the point of faith. how can i explain how important it is for me to have something to believe in. on the one hand it is hard to believe in the existance of any type of god with the world we live in. then it is impossible for me to not believe in god when i see the rare moments of love, humanity and pure love around me. all the questions, how could god? why would god allow? fade from my mind.

i believe because i need to believe. because sometimes the sunday blues have me sooooo down looooooww that i need god to pull me up and remind me to take a deep breath. maybe i am not as evolved as some people who deny the existance of god on a rational and intellectual level, and that is ok. for simple-minded folk like me is is very simple: god is good.

the problem with being a grown up

the problem with being a grown up is the you are aware of the world around you. when we are small children we are oblivious to all the pain and hatred going on around us. hopefully we were unaware. now when i watch the news i want to cry. how do i explain to my son that children in this world, in our very own country are hungry? how can i explain that people hate so much that they take another person's life? how long can i keep my kids from being aware of all the ugliness in the world? i made the mistake of having npr on in the car when i was taking my son to school. after hearing the report about the deaths of the school children in russia he asked me, "did little children die? why did that happen?"

i was so busy looking for a fucking parking spot at the school i didn't notice what i was listening to. "little pitchers" rather than tell him, "oh, it was nothing," as my parents did i told him the truth: some people make really bad decisions that can hurt other people. this he understood. how can he understand this? i don't.

sorry, guess the world is getting to me....

gotta love the chef

this is the reason i love my babies.

nik: boy, i love this chef boyardee. ( he was eating pasta and homemade sauce. i don't have the slightest idea why he feels the need to reduce my home-cooked meals to something that comes out of a can)

emma: i don't like the chef. it is disgusting! (she says this as she is eating like i haven't fed her for weeks.)

me: when did either of you ever have chef boyardee?

nik: long time ago.

emma: yeah.

me: when? when did you have the chef? (now i am calling it "the chef." isn't it funny how we parents pick up and use our children's language?)

nik: BIG SIGH -- when we went to the north pole. santa gave it to us.

me: you went all the way to the north pole and all santa could feed you was the chef?

nik: i liked it. santa's busy. he showed me some karate.

emma: yeah. and ballet dances, too.

me: where was mrs. claus?

emma: she dead.

nik: yeah.


i see.

calling dr. feelgood.....

so i go to see my friendly family doctor. i told him that i was there against my will. my mother made me go to see him. apparently my loving husband had informed her that i have been complaining of a headache for the past weeks. my mother proceeds to begin "working on me" to call the doctor for an appointment.

"while you are there be sure to tell him about your sinus trouble. and how you have been so tired lately. and let him know about your constant throwing up....blah blah blah."

this continues for another 20 minutes. somewhere in the midst of this, she suggests that i make a list of problems so that i don't leave anything out. when i decline, she offers to make the list for me.

this is my mother. i am slowing becoming my mother.

when i was 12 years old my mother put "the curse" on me. i had just returned from spending the night at a friend's house. this friend of mine was very "cosmo girl." she had taught me all about the word: fuck. how to use it, when to use it, etc. we had spent hours practicing. i enjoyed this very much. so much, that when i returned home i tried it out on my own mom. i was in my room, which was a complete mess for most of the 18 years i lived there. my mom came into my room and simply asked if i was ever planning on cleaning up my room. my response to this innocent question was: "MYO'f-ing'B."

ever have one of those moments when you wish you had the power to stop time and reverse it? as the words left my mouth and were hanging in the air i desperately wished i had this power. i could see the words just hanging there, floating from my mouth across the room to my mother. i wish i could have reached out, grabbed them and shoved them into my pocket.

my mother received this verbal assualt with all the composure of a seasoned general.

"you know, jennifer.....you and i don't have to like each other. in fact, there will be a period of time in which you don't want to be around me. i understand this and it is ok. because we will survive this period of time and will come out of it as friends. i just want you to know that."

i stood there frozen. i couldn't believe she was going to let me off the hook. didn't she hear what i said? didn't she hear that sassy pre-teen voice of mine? isn't she going to punish me? then she laid "the curse" on me. just as i thought she was going to leave my room, she paused at the door....gave me a look to melt the polar icecaps (bette davis would have been proud) and said:

"one day i hope you have a daughter that treats you the way you treat me."

HELP. i wasn't so young that i didn't understand the implications of her threat. and yes, it was a threat. i tried in vain to roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders, but deep down i was terrified. and i had reason to be. enter: EMMA. the chickens have come home to roost. and don't think that kathryn isn't loving every minute of it.

so, i tell the doctor that i am fine and that i am there against my will. i haven't been in charge of my own will for quite some time. he is so kind and patient. he decided that since i was there i should take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the peace and quiet of his office. i asked if i could take a nap. he smiled at me and said, "you have 20 minutes," and closed the door. i left the doctor's office very happy, recharged, and with nasal spray and an antihistimine.

when my husband and mother asked what the doctor had recommended, i informed them i wasn't to do anymore housework because it irritates my allergies. i don't think they bought this....