12.26.2004

Charlie's Angels

christmas eve mass never fails to bring a tear to my eye. i don't know if it is the decorations, the music, or the sheer joy i feel when i am with my little family. this year was no different. my babies were not thrilled about going to mass, but little evita was calmed down with the promise that she could wear "magic sparkily shoes" with her dress. the best part of mass was the dimissial when "hark the herald angels sing" was sung, and both of my kids yelled, "hey, it's the charlie brown music!" both babies sang at the top of their lungs, using their own lyrics.

it was a pleasant christmas, and i do intent to stretch the holiday spirit throughout the week the kids are home from school. i haven't seen much of nik. he has been busy burning his brain cells playing xbox nonstop. i am trying not to feel guilty about this. emma is in good spirits, playing barbie in peril constantly, and thankfully, not requiring the participation of dan or me.

sadly, the tree is dead. it looks nice proped up in the snow at the curb. next year i must resist the urge to buy the tree a month before christmas.

blessing and peace to the world.

12.20.2004

letting it go....

tis the season for just letting all the petty shit in your life go. simply drop it from your fingertips. let it fall from your hands, like a feather caught on a breeze. i am really trying to let it all go. let all my pent up frustrations just go. i am taking a broom and sweeping my brain clean. i refuse, I REFUSE, to get all caught up in all the same drama/bullshit that crowds my tiny mind most of the time.

my little evita is talking thru her nose. thank you christmas colds. i know that she is suffering. her head is hot, her nose is raw, but she is so damn cute. why is she so much more loving when she is sick. it is as if she thinks, "ok, i am sick. i better not pull any of my normal shit here. i need this crazy bitch to take care of me. the only way i can get a popsicle is to sweet talk her."

and so, little miss stuffy-head has me wrapped around her finger. "tanks omma" i love her.

when i am in the process of letting all the shit go, i really enjoy talking to people who are busy getting themselves all worked up. it reminds me of lenny bruce. back when he was being sued by just about everyone and shooting a nice cosy mixture of cocaine and heroin, he stopped doing regular stand up routines. instead he would just read out his court transcripts to the audience. he was confused as to why the audience didn't have the same response he did.

problems, or communication breakdowns occur when your world has become so small that only you and your deluded personality fit. it is times like this it is best to step outside yourself and look in. if the picture isn't as pretty as you thought it is time to make a change. it seems like the holiday season brings out the worst in people. as if we should stop and say, "oh my god! i can't believe how unfair the world is to you. poor baby!" suck it up and LET IT GO.

my babies always help me put things back into perspective. why the fuck should i care about some-stupid-such-and-such, when i have one baby with a cold and one baby who has just given birth to a reincarnation of mickey rooney. everything here is swell. and why shouldn't it be? just let it go.....

12.17.2004

THE BLUE SLOTH

any one out there feeling a little empty inside? is there someone out there putting their kids to bed and then sneaking off for a good cry? anybody else sick of hearing, "parenthood is a process...there is no completion." is there another parent out there who is sick of being told, "nobody said raising kids would be easy." i am sure a frontal lobotomy isn't either.

please take a moment and read this particular entry of a great guy who has just about at the end of his rope. he is husband, father, artisit, and very very insightful on how it feels to be a parent.

the blue sloth
http://artweld.blogs.com


thank you phillip.....

12.16.2004

the randomness of every day things....

these are things that have made me say, "huh...."

rugby. can i say it? i love rugby.

what is nick rhodes obsession with being a space alien? is he not able to smile with all that lipstick?

why does jennifer lopez feel the need to make a video that replicates the movie flashdance?

is the manchester city team good enough to win this year?

why are the majority of my thoughts related to "all things english?"

how much is too much when pushing someone over the edge?

why does dan need to have a gameboy advanced?

if i don't eat anything during the day, why is my kitchen a mess?

is it bad to let your children go to bed at 6:30 PM?

what is the deal with all the reality tv? what happen to good old fashion primetime dramas?

why does the bbc america channel show nothing but english home improvement shows?

why must the office end?

why do people have to use the correct pronouncation when saying things like, provolne cheese or genoa salami?

did you know how inexpensive a trip to egypt is?

why did the black crowes break up?

what is with the new "elite" being rich, young and spoiled americans?

must it be so cold to have snow?

is sweden really covered in a blue haze this time of year?

how much kleenex can i use in one day?

why must emma play use the holy family to play her star wars games?

how did i ever get two children who are so beautiful......

that is a real mystery...

12.06.2004

somebody up there really likes me....

my beloved sparky. today is my love's birthday. we don't make a big deal about birthday's or christmas, i say "we" as in dan and me. we have learned to make every day special. i know i may sound completely corny, but we truly view each day we have together as a gift. i can't put into words how much this man means to me. i know i have written a great deal about him and all that makes him wonderful, but i couldn't resist sharing one moment.....

quite a few years ago (before babies) dan and i had gone out for an evening. this meant both of us getting dressed up in fancy clothes, a fancy dinner and staying out past 1 am. it had been a lovely evening and we both enjoyed ourselves and the company of friends. upon returning home we both changed into our p.j.'s, i made a big bowl of popcorn and we watched an old bette davis movie on tv. during the commercial, dan leaned over to me and whispered, "this is the best part of the entire evening."

this is what i love best about dan. you can take all your fancy dinners, fancy clothes, entertaining people and stimulating conversation. dan would rather be alone with me. i don't know if this is a sickness on his part. i know i feel the same way. sure, there is a lot of very interesting things to do and see in the world, but what better place to be than snuggled up with the love of my life. i realize i gush, but can you tell me what is better than stretching your foot across the bed in the middle of the night and touch toes with your love? the man can still make me blush.

daniel, you are my love and my best friend. i am soooooo proud of you. you take such great care of me and your children. you have my admiration and my respect. for now and always. i love you to death, sparky!!!

12.03.2004

swimming in the deep river of denial

this is what i should be doing. i should be cleaning my house RIGHT NOW. the babysitter is coming early this afternoon so that dan and i can go out for the evening. this means i have about 3 hours to put my house in order. i am not moving. i am sitting here contemplating what needs to be done and where i should begin. really this is just procrastination, but i am pretending that i am forming a plan of action.

the boy's room. my son's room smells. smells bad. i don't know why or what is causing this smell. he has no food, no strange animals, no toxic chemicals and yet, his room has an odor. it is a combination of feet and pent-up energy. i asked dan this morning, "WHAT IS IT?" his reply, "boy." his room smells like boy, pure and simple and incredibly stinky.

evita's domain. picture a room in which you can't see the floor because of the 1,000's of hair clips, pretty ponies, polly pocket pieces, dental floss (all pulled out of the container) and my maxi pads (some opened, some not). i asked evita, "what is going on in here?" her reply, "i am working on something." ok. fine. WHAT IS IT AND WHY MUST ALL OF MY MAXI PADS BE INVOLVED?

the basement. oh fuck off. can't i just put caution tape across the stairs and deny entrance?

the kitchen. come on people, throw me a bone.

the living room. this i can handle. i simply will take an empty laundry basket, fill it with all the stuff from the living room, put this in the basement, and then run the vaccuum. there all done. that wasn't so bad. now that i am all done i can take a quick nap, put my feet up and eat some bon-bons. ahh, this is the life.

crap. ok, now i need to go and clean. don't ask me why i need to clean for the babysitter. if you are asking this question you simply are not insane enough to understand the inner workings of my twisted brain. don't you know that all babysitters secretly work for child protective services. they come to your house and once you leave they start their inspection. how clean is the house? are the children wearing clean clothes? do their rooms smell of feet? is there any decent food for these kids to eat?

true story: last time dan and i went out, upon returning home our babysitter greeted me with the following:

"yeah, um emma peed all over herself so i had to give her a bath." (shit, the tub is one place that i never clean before she comes. the bottom of the tub is full of empty shampoo bottles that nik must have and barbie heads that emma loves. there is hardly any room for kids at all.)

"and, um, i gave them a hot dog because i thought they should eat something besides cookies, chips and pop. hot dogs were the only things i could find." (fuck!!!!!! can someone please scrape me off the bottom of her shoe? am i the worst mother? obviously the answer is yes.)

"they were so hyper, probably from all the sugar, they totally crashed. and i couldn't find their pajama's."

i expect to hear from the authorities at any second. now do you see why i must participate in this charade that my house is always clean, as are the children and that i have provided healthy things for them to eat? now do you see? this is why i hate going out at all. what the fuck was dan thinking by making me go out on a friday night? why must i do this. cleaning and i must make myself presentable, as well. now do you see why i am just sitting here?

i am going to end it. i am going to go into nik's room and close the door. hopefully the fumes will do me in and i won't have to go tonight. farewell.......

12.02.2004

take my husband, PLEASE

these are things about dan that cause me to dream about putting a steak knife in his neck and collecting the insurance money:

he spends 20 minutes in the shower EVERY SINGLE DAY. what the fuck is he doing in there? fuck if i know!

when i announce that the house is filthy and everyone must help me clean, dan decides this is a perfect time to start cleaning his office, or even better, the junk drawer. i nearly killed him before thanksgiving when i am scrubbing the kitchen floor on my hands and knees and he comes to me with the following: "hey, why the hell do we have 'icing that writes' in the house? do we really need this? there must be 3 packages of this crap in the drawer. and what about all those screws? what is up with that? are you saving them for some craft project with the kids. boy there sure is a lot of junk in that drawer!" no shit, it is a junk drawer.

at least 3 mornings every week dan will ask, "do i have any clean socks?" while looking in his sock drawer. as if i am the keeper of all clean socks. mine, they are all mine, hee hee hee! i am not sharing!

he insists, REALLY INSISTS that his nighttable be free of all "kid debris" no action figures, no hair clips, no "notes" no nothing! he must remove all items every night before he goes to sleep. why? there must be room for the laptop, cell phone, iPod, MacWorld magazine, dental floss and about 1,000 receipts from various purchases including a sub sandwhich, cd, socks (a silent protest against me) and various parts of computer equipment.

he puts my bras in the drier -- AFTER LIVING TOGETHER FOR 12 YEARS! DOES HE NOT KNOW THIS BY NOW!!!!

in the morning, when i am running around like a headless chicken, attempting to get the kids ready for school without killing them, he will stand in the middle of the hallway and ask: "what can i do?" capture the naked girl that just ran past you and put some underwear on her. or, take the toothpaste away from your son before he eats the entire tube.

he will come home from work and find me in a puddle of tears and ask, "what is the deal with dinner?"


this is how he saves himself from death:

toilet seat is always down.
trips to taco bell at 1:30 am.
new roll of toilet paper on holder.
brings home chai tea from starbucks -- venti-sized.
flowers for no reason.
diamond ring.
absolute devotion to his family.
folds clean laundry.
puts clean laundry away.
sings to me in the shower.
loves me UNCONDITIONALLY.
buys new sponges for kitchen sink.
puts kids to bed regularly.
reads to his kids, and likes it.
fills my gas tank, and wiper fluid.
tucks me into bed.
puts my clean pj's under my pillow.

ok, i guess i will keep him. i just needed to vent.....

12.01.2004

wwjd?

let me start by saying i am a roman catholic. i want this to be very clear. i wasn't born a catholic. far from it. my parents, both raised catholic, decided that it was in their children's best interest to not inforce any set beliefs onto their kid's young minds. instead, my parents preached education and world travel. they expected my sister and i to go to college, get a degree, travel thru europe and then move out on our own. marriage and children were never mentioned. my mother's thought was, "why marry? go see italy before it falls into the ocean. children? i didn't even have you until i was 36. by then i had a job and a plan for my life. surely your plan involves something other than getting married?"

um, well, it did. my perfect sister did exactly what was expected of her. she did go away to school (4 years at UofM and didn't see a single football game, much to the old man's chagrin). after graduation, she did travel for 2 months thru europe, got a fashionable haircut and slept on a boat in Amsterdam that carried in hash, and drank her way thru germany. upon returning home, she promptly moved out of my folk's house into a house with her boyfriend. the same boyfriend that she later married some 10 years later, once she was 5 months pregnant. never once did religion play a role in her life. her husband is jewish, but never saw the inside of a synagoge. since her children have expressed an interest, she provides both a christmas tree and a menora. although, she says that christmas trees have nothing to do with "all that jesus crap."

all that jesus crap.

well, i was supposed to follow her example. however, when i was 6 my dad's mother came to live with us. at the time, she had terminal cancer and had decided that she did not want to die in a hospital. she had been a devout catholic her whole life, and i can imagine it was hard for her to see her oldest son did not share her passion for a religious life. my grandmother never spoke to me about religion, but her religion surrounded her. her home was full of religious statues, she attended mass daily, and when she was living with us she brought the aura of her religion with her. her faith was so much a part of her. it was not something she separated from herself. instead her faith was simply part of her genetic makeup. i would always check on her after i returned home from school and i would often find her quietly praying the rosary. when i would ask her what that necklace was, she simply replied, "oh, just some faith beads." the faith beads were quickly tucked away under her blanket. she respected that my parents did not want me undully influenced into any faith. there was always an air of respect between my deeply religious grandmother and my communist parents.

those were the days. the whole idea of respecting someone's opinion, EVEN IF IT DIFFERS FROM YOURS is non-existant now.

i did not undertake my coversion to catholicism easily. it took a total of 3 1/2 years for the entire process to end. and it is not really an ending, but rather a beginning of my religious life. i spent most of those 3 plus years learning about the church's views on various issues. i wanted to understand why the church felt the way it does. part of me was afraid that i would become a right-wing religious nut. i feared becoming one of those hated women who stand out in front of abortion clinics, holding up a poster of a fetus. or, i would start questioning the right of men to live with men and raise children. i actually lost sleep thinking i was going to completely change who i was as a person.

i did change. completely. but not the way i thought i would. i am catholic. in fact, i am the church's worst nightmare. i am pro-choice, believe in birth control, don't give a shit about gay people getting married or having children AND i understand the church's views on such social issues. i have actually read the catechism that shapes the church's teachings AND i respect their position. it just has not become my position. i really do pray twice daily. i spend that time thanking god for my blessings and asking for help. not to make me that catholic the church feels i should be, but help to make me more like my grandmother. i don't want my faith to be something separate from my daily life, but rather part of my daily life. i don't have to go around converting every one around me. if someone asks me, i have no problem saying i am a catholic. but, don't ask me to defend my beliefs or my church. my faith is mine and mine alone.

i didn't try this religion on for size. i have made a committment to this faith, for me and my family. religion has become such a touchy subject, mostly because people try and convince you that their faith is the best or the only path to god. i can't tell other people what to believe. i don't even like to tell people why i choose the path i did. all i can say is that it is between me and jesus.

and yes, i do have a personal relationship with the son of my savior. and why shouldn't i? he brings me great comfort. who else can comfort me when i am wallowing in self-pity, overwhelmed by parenthood, frustrated at being me? good old, JC! can i get a whoop whoop for the big guy? i find it annoying when i hear people say that jesus instructed them to do such and such. as if jesus has nothing better to do then tell miserable, petty people that they should openly pass judgement on the world around them. yeah, that's the message i hear in church every week: "be mean and petty. judge those around you. hold humanity in contempt. be vocal about your hate." wwjd? i shudder to think what he would make of the world today.

of course, the 3 plus years that i studied to become catholic were really hard on my parents, who feared what would become of me. well, i survived and so did they. no, i am not going to attempt to bring them back to the church, even if it would get me bonus points with god. just as they are happy without god in their lives, i am happy with god in my life. what i have become is less tolerant of those "religious" people who make a showcase of their religion at the expense of people around them. i ask to be more understanding and patient with humanity in general, but these people push my buttons.

what can i say, i am a work in progress. hey, even the world took a few days and we are still working out the kinks.

11.26.2004

me and the old man

it is early thanksgiving morning, and although i am hosting thanksgiving dinner at my house, my father has insisted that he be the one to prepare the bird. we aren't eating until 2, so dad is over at 9 am to get things going. i greet him at the door in my pajama's, looking like i have been on a bender. "you wanted to do this, remember?" is his way of saying hello. i quickly turn him over to my husband in the kitchen. dan will be responsible for informing dad where he can find a decent knife because he forgot to bring his own. he does bring his own carrots, onion and celery because i can't be trusted to have these things available. dan will also be there to open various cabinets and drawers, since i haven't choosen my kitchen knobs yet. "well, i would like to throw out this turkey bag without spilling the blood all over the floor, but i can't find the garbage" is dad's way of asking dan where we keep our garbage can. turkey blood is all over my floor anyway, but dan is there with the bleach to clean up behind my dad. i am hiding in the basement with the children pretending to be cleaning. when i do climb up from my safe spot i meet my father in the kitchen about to pour coffee into a measuring cup because he can't find any coffee mugs, if we even have such a thing. i quickly produce a cup for him without saying a word. i keep telling myself, let it go. this is my first holiday without zoloft in 3 years. let it go.

my dad is an extremely intelligent man. dan says, "wicked smart." that's no lie. dad tells me about a movie he and my mom saw recently. i understood this movie to be one of those, "man redeems himself before death" stories. not so. according to dad, this was an attack on modern society and that all the world's problems can be solved with a solid dose of capitalism. corruption rules! my dad said that this movie should be on rush limbau's must see list. his commentary on this movie runs for about 10 minutes. i have nothing to add to the discussion. not only have i not seen the movie, but i don't understand what my dad is even talking about. i continue to nod and drink my tea, my head swimming with possible comments. anything that won't make me sound like a complete fool. after all these years, i am still incredibly intimidated by my father. i so desperately want him to think i am smart. in the past, when my dad and i have attempted conversations like this, i end up making some stupid insepid little comment to which my father responds with a shaking of his head and a deep resigned sigh as if saying, "how is this my child?" i pray that he won't ask me any questions and my wish is granted. he is deep in thought, probably about the inadaquacy of my oven size or lack of proper tin foil.

"no parade today?" this innocent question holds so many hidden meanings you would need a complete labotomy if i attempted to give you the entire family history. no, we did not take the kids to the parade. i am too lazy. and yes, EVERY SINGLE YEAR my father took me to the parade. he was more reliable than a mailman. thru rain, snow, or sleet -- dad took me to the parade. i knew what was coming. the story about the year that he nearly caught pnemonia taking me to the parade in the freezing rain. the temperature was about 4, the roads were covered with ice from the freezing rain that continued to pour down during the entire parade. dad wore his down coat which became the cloak of death. luckily, he had found a spot for us right in front of a bar. halfway during the parade he tapped my leg and said, "stay here. i will be right back." where was i going to go? dad had put me on top of his homemade scaffolding. he went into the bar and asked the bartender for a cup of coffee. the bartender took pity on my father and also provided a shot of bourbon free of charge. on the ride home i asked my dad if he thought the parade was as good as i did. "sure" was his reply. it wasn't until i was an adult that i understood that adults, parents in particular, don't always have a good time at things like parks, parades or the circus. there is so much that children don't understand about being the grown up: the person who drives, has to find the parking spot, carries the ladders and the large sheet of plywood, finds a decent spot, creates the viewing area, puts the child on the scaffolding, and then proceeds to wait thru the parade in the cold and freezing rain. not once did he try and convince me to go home early, or even discourage me from going at all. not once did he complain about being cold or bored. the resentment was there, but it was quiet and restrained. it was the kind of tension that kept me from bothering him. it was understood that i was to simply enjoy myself, by myself.

my old man. now i am an adult, married with a family of my own. yet, i am still that little 7 year old girl. i understand my job is to be quiet around him. to find a decent bowl to hold the potatos, supply coffee, have extra cans of chicken broth available -- this is my role this thanksgiving. all of a sudden my dad turns to me and says, "you know that bar we were in from of that one parade...the one where i nearly died?" he proceeds to share a story with me about he and his friend sitting in that bar looking out on jefferson avenue. all of a sudden a man passed the front window. my father turned to his friend and said, "did you see who that was?" his friend nodded and answered, "that was dick williams." dick had been my father's best friend and had died suddenly 5 years earlier. it was an extremely difficult death for my dad, one from which he has never recovered. dick is remembered fondly by my dad, but ony rarely and not for very long. it remains too painful for him. my dad says to me, "can you believe it. dick williams right there on jefferson avenue. dead for 5 years. didn't even stop in for a drink." he turns away from me, but i can see the tears.

all i can do is smile. to reach out and touch him would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable. that is something that we don't do in our family. sudden bursts of emotion are not met with comfort and hugs. instead we prefer conversations involving food or driving directions. "dad, do you think i have enough chicken broth?" this was his reponse:

"jesus, why do you buy these big cans. just buy the little cans. if you buy these big cans, then you have to use the whole can at once. don't tell me you can save it. it loses all the flavor if left in the fridge. where is your funnel? what do you mean you don't have a funnel. well, i will make do, but if this dinner doesn't turn out right i will just have to tell everyone that you didn't have the funnel."

ok dad. by the way, the dinner was delicious. and i made sure he took all the credit.

11.22.2004

yo mama no love you no mo

it is official. my mother does not love me anymore. i knew this would happen. in fact, i have just been waiting for it to happen. and now it has....

i was at my breaking point on sunday morning. it had been a loooooong week riddled with extra "harvest feast" stress with a deadly combo of drama thrown in. by friday evening i was in tears, ready to put on my p.j.'s and stay in them for the next 2 weeks. on sunday dan expected me to attend a reunion luncheon with a friend of his that he hadn't spoken to in 13 years. now we were to have lunch with he and his wonderful wife. why did i have to go? i didn't know this person. i didn't go to the wedding. why the fuck should i have to shower, shave (like they would be checking my armpits, no i didn't shave my legs--my own personal protest), wear make-up, attempt a "do" with my hair, AND FIND DECENT CLOTHES THAT WOULD BOTH COVER MY ASS AND BE CLEAN.

come on, i love my dan, but he was asking for trouble by making me do this. my mother calls to check in with me, "well, everything ok, hon?" NO! i am not fine for fuck's sake. i am angry. i am just so done with doing things for other people. look, i know how awful i sound, but fuck that. i am sick of getting shit together to put in my car and drive it somewhere else. fucking harvest feasts. i am done driving in rush hour traffic to my parents house with 2 high-strung nutcases to pick up a turkey, only to be told when i arrive that my kids are acting "kind of wild" and that i didn't need to pick up the bird after all. FUCK THAT GIMME THE TURKEY FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

are you getting the impression i am just a little fed up with all of humanity? well, i am. so now i have got to dress-up and showcase myself as "dan's wife." oh, fuck me. just what i want to do. smile, make small talk with strangers and hope my fancy face isn't melting. i am explaining to my mother --- this is the woman who gave birth to me --- that i want to stay home in my sweatpants. the stress of this event is too much, i am not up to being charming with strangers. my mom --- keep in mind this is my mother, the woman who is supposed to love me --- then says the following.

picture yourself on the other end of the phone, mouth open in schock, too stunned to reply which makes her fire-off these little nibbles of advice with such force that i am left completely speechless.....

"YOU ARE IN A FAT PHASE NOW"
"JOIN THE Y AND GET SOME EXERCISE"
"I KNOW YOU DON'T EAT WELL"
"DID YOU THROW OUT ALL THAT HALLOWEEN CANDY, YET"
"IF YOU ARE NEGATIVE, YOU WILL LOOK NEGATIVE TO PEOPLE AROUND YOU"
"I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU ARE SO HARD ON YOURSELF"
"TAKE A HOT SHOWER AND PUT ON SOME LIPSTICK"
"DO YOU EVEN HAVE LIPSTICK ANYMORE"
"MAYBE YOU NEED TO BUY CLOTHES THAT WILL FIT YOU"
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE SO MUCH LAUNDRY"
"YOU WEAR THE SAME THING ALL THE TIME, WHY DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CLEAN CLOTHES"
"IF YOU DIDN'T SPEND SO MUCH TIME AT THE SCHOOL, THEN YOU COULD GET YOUR CHORES DONE AROUND THE HOUSE"
"YOU SHOULD GET OUT AND MEET SOME PEOPLE"
"DON'T BE SO SHY"
"TRY TO SMILE, IT WILL LIGHTEN YOUR FACE" (note: i don't know what this means)
"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY REAL PROBLEMS"
"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU"
"DANIEL DOESN'T ASK MUCH OF YOU, DO THIS FOR HIM"
"YOU ARE SO LUCKY TO BE MARRIED TO A MAN LIKE DAN"
"WHY CAN'T YOU HELP HIM OUT, REMEMBER HE IS UNDER TREMENDOUS PRESSURE RIGHT NOW"
"DAN IS SO WONDERFUL, THINK OF HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO BE MARRIED TO HIM"
"I AM SURE DAN WOULD DO THIS FOR YOU"
"GET SOME EXERCISE, YOU WILL FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF"
"WHY ARE YOU SO DOWN ON YOURSELF"

why indeed? i knew that when dan's parent's completely rejected him that my parents would step right in and become his parents. in fact, they refer to dan as their son, not a son-in-law, but as their son. i have always considered myself lucky that my parents love dan. i just didn't think that their love of me would be the price i pay.

fine....deep breath. i can do this. i will not let this get me down. i am going to be ok. i have parent teacher conferences tonight. it will be fine. nik is a beautiful, charming, intelligent boy (true story: my mother after describing how wonderful nik is actually said, "JUST LIKE HIS WONDERFUL FATHER"). deep breath. calm calm calm. i so want to climb into bed and wrap my fat around me like a little love cocoon. just me and my cellulite. a match made in heaven.

that's ok, cooper thinks i rock. and he could care less how full my saddle bags are. and, his attitude is much better than my mother's. why shower, shave and put on lipstick. let's just climb onto the couch, eat an entire bag of mini carrots and fall asleep while watching british parliment on c-span.

11.14.2004

don't eat the paint, baby

all art projects in my house involve someone attempting (sometimes successfully) to consume paint, glue, or playdough. it is very common to hear me say, "hey, that paint looks better on your picture than on your teeth." or, "don't eat the glue, your stomach will close up and you won't be able to eat candy ever again." these empty threats are met with a smirk.

emma survived her birthday party, although i feel as if i am now harboring a tapeworm. she seemed really surprised that people brought her gifts, "why did my friends give me all these pretty things? did you see all the pretty hair things?" yes, i did see all the pretty hair things. after saturday i believe the total amount of hairclips emma has now reaches into the thousands. my feet hurt just looking at them. i can hardly wait to pry these little weapons of mass destruction out from the heels of my feet. the party has made emma love her friends even more, and has brought out a generous side of her. "i am going to make kate this pretty picture because she gave me the dora doll at my party." is this my child? her good mood has lasted all day and has even extended itself to her brother. "nik, come play with my new dolls, do you want to play in my new tent, why don't we get you a new tent, too." dan and i stood frozen in the hallway. did she just ask her brother to play? is that emma?

aren't we awful. instead of celebrating this step of maturity in our daughter, we doubt. we are suspicious. if you knew evita the way we do, you too would be skeptical.

i have made a decision....thanksgiving is my new favorite holiday, replacing halloween. i just like the name. and any holiday that the main focus is food is perfect for me and my big fat ass. the candy of halloween is always nice, but there is just something so warm and fuzzy about a holiday that carries over to the next day and involves me eating cold stuffing in my p.j.'s. and what other holiday allows you to eat green bean cassarole for 3 days (p.j.'s now replaced with sweatpants.)?

thanksgiving also has a peanuts special. thanksgiving, you are the shit!

11.10.2004

anybody seen my anxiety?

dan says that he can tell when i am in a very deep state of denial because i engage in "unusual behavior involving our pets." let me explain, emma will be turning 4 this saturday and will be having her first real birthday party. i know some mothers would consider me unfit for not having thrown her both a disney princess birthday and an american girl birthday party already. call protective services! so now we are having 5 of her loudest, cutest, wildest girlfriends over for 2 hours of "scream-a-palooza" fueled by an intense sugar-buzz. and of course, like a fool, i have also included siblings. so really i am looking at having about 15 kids, aged 3 - 13 in my house on saturday afternoon.

i am fully aware that there are things i need to be doing to prepare for this epic event, but somehow i haven't given it much thought. i can see all the piles of laundry to be put away, the vaccuming that needs to be done, the filth in the bathroom screaming at me, and yet....i do nothing. or rather, i do other things......

dan found me in the bathroom giving cooper, our beloved dog a haircut and a bath. his response was, "oh god, you are really depressed."

what? i am not depressed. i feebly attempted to defend myself until he reminded me about the time that i was throwing a world cup party (that would be starting in the wee hours of the morning) and he found me giving our cats a bath. (may they rest in peace, and no it was not because of the bath. i did not pull a silkwood on them, despite what dan says.) needless to say, the world cup party was a huge success, so much so that i took a nap in the middle of the event.

for those of you unaware of the world cup, what can i tell you? you are really missing something.

i am sure emma's party will not be as stressful as predicted and i will survive, and not take a nap during the party. i am not stressed. i feel no tension. i am dreading this event. really......i am not.....it will be fine.....don't worry about me. now, if you will excuse me, cooper needs a blow out.

11.06.2004

into this life a little rain must fall

being let down is a way of life. the love of my life is honestly surprised when he is faced with disappointment. he convinces himself something is always going to be as good as expected. and then he is heartsick when things aren't as good as he had hoped. this can be anything from the election to trying a taco pizza. he is so stunned when things don't turn out the way he had hoped.

i on the other hand am quite accustomed to being let down and disappointed. it starts every morning when i wake up. i think, ok--new beginning. a fresh start. a new day. things will be different today. then i realize we are out of bread and milk and this will be the day that i go to the supermarket. things don't really change. upon returning home from the grocery store i run for the bathroom, bladder about to explode, only to realize we are also out of toilet paper. funny how i didn't know this before i went to the store. things remain the same.

i make plans, try to be hopeful, but always am confronted with the ugly side of humanity. it amazes me how with one word, one inference a person can reduce me to tears. have i not learned by lesson? beware those who claim to be your friends...these people often do the most damage.

why is it that i am not surprised that this daily grind is my life, but i am truly shocked when someone hurts my feelings. do i expect more from people? these are the things i think about when cleaning my toilets, doing the laundry, cooking dinner (that no one but my husband will eat). what is it about some people who always fail you? i try to be positive and give people the benefit of the doubt, i make excuses for people, rationalize their bad behavior...and for what? to be left feeling angry? fuck that.

someone once told me: "people are stupid and it is always something." this shoe sure does fit. i will continue to try and be positive, but come on, let's get real here. misery loves company. i just don't want to be that companion anymore.

11.02.2004

THE RETURN OF THE HERMIT CRABS

ahh yes, election day. this is the day that we wake up our children so that they can be part of the election process. and let me tell you there is nothing that puts a 3 year old in a bad mood quicker than waking her up at 6:30, getting her dressed, skipping her breakfast and making her wait in line (in the rain). what fun!

to kill time (and yes, we had plenty of it, since it took almost an hour to vote) i talked and talked to my babies about how important this day is, this is not a right, but an obligation to vote. i reminded them that this is the proudest moment you can have as an american by taking a small part in the giant political machine. one man, one vote. when the children would get restless (weren't we all restless--what is it about waiting in line that triggers my bladder) i would remind them that men and women faught wars and died so that we could exercise our duty by voting. there i am, caught up in the moment, reminding them that there was a time that not everyone could vote. i made serious eye contact with emma, as if to use mental telepathy, so that she (as a woman) would understand that voting is a relatively new thing for us chicks.

nik, being nik asked: "hey mom..did the FOUR FATHERS have to wait in line back then to vote?"

not about to be stumped, i replied (in a high-pitched ranting voice): "YES! it is a long tradition that we wait in a long and confusing line only to be yelled at by the hermit crabs and then finally get our ballot and cast our vote. my parents always brought me and now i intend to inflict this cruel tradition on to you and your sister!"

nik: "mom, (long pause) i am not sure if i want to ask you, but are you ok?"

me: "yes, i am just so proud to be an american."

with that, emma threw her bag of cheez-its into the air. as the cheez-its rained down on me one of the hermit crabs said, "maybe next time you will leave your children at home." i want you to know that i did not say the following in reply:

NEXT TIME, YOU'LL BE DEAD

hey, i did not say it, but i could of. i swear to god, if kerry doesn't win this election i am personally going to go to boston and knock his teeth out. nik is also hoping that kerry wins. i asked him why he likes kerry.

nik: "i like the hair."

hey, people have used lesser reasoning when picking a president. it is still a free country....

10.25.2004

what the......?!?!?!

what the fuck is up with halloween? i thought christmas was bad, with it's months of good cheer, decorations, and parties. but now we have these week long, mind-numbing, teeth-rotting celebrations for halloween. it is halloween for fuck sake! what happened to coloring pictures of pumpkins in school, coming home and putting on your costume, trick or treating for 30 minutes, and staying up late to watch a monster movie? why the hell must these children have such elaborate celebrations? i can't believe that my kids have already attended a party in their costumes, a WEEK BEFORE halloween. HELP!

i think i would rather just sit in a very sincere pumpkin patch with linus van pelt and wait for the great pumpkin. i won't even be disappointed, especially if linus tries to hold my hand.

happy halloween, blockheads!

this life is gonna leave a mark

anybody see the "skating incident" on tv? if you watch the today show you saw it. they played the video of those russian skaters over and over again. i haven't seen such an overplay of video since reagan was shot. that poor girl. katie c was interviewing both the skaters this morning. i found it very interesting that the coach had to sit BETWEEN the skaters. i am sure if she could have reached him she would have turned that rooster into a chicken.

katie: "wow. that really looks like it hurt.."

NO SHIT! how about we drop ms. c on her face, 10 feet up in the air, and have her land on ice. i am not russian, but if i were that skater i would be living on painkillers and vodka. she had this cool and solid determination about her, "i will skate again, very soon." i believe her. and i wouldn't be surprised if her partner soon falls victim to "an accident."

10.14.2004

meeting notice

hollendais!

those of you familiar with the uber-feminist club will recognize that greeting. we are planning our next meeting this week of the uber-feminist club (formerly known as the ladies auxiliary group). as you see, we have our new name, thanks to the committee for new names! in case you don't know, we chose "uber" because it sounded neat and fancy. and of course, we have "feminist" because that is what we are, the new feminists (not those pesky no-bra-wearing, working hard for the money, independent-thinking, outspoken nagging women).

i am so excited to be hosting the next meeting. the agenda is just packed full of things for us to discuss. leading the discussion will be Mrs. Ward Cleaver, whose latest book, "Vacuuming In Pearls" is just full of useful (and necessary) tips for the uber-feminist of today. Her talk will focus on the following points:

The importance of greeting your hard-working husband at the door with a fancy face, wearing a freshly ironed (and spotless) apron.

The joy of putting yourself second.

Why a daily cat-nap is equal to comitting a mortal sin.

Leaving the decision making to your husband, it is his job to lead.


Our last meeting was just thrilling! I thank our media watch committee for their report on the following:

"Why Oprah may be the anti-christ"

And here we were thinking it was ok to watch her. All that talk about taking "control of your life," "finding your true passion," and "the importance of being financially aware." YIKES! A true uber-feminist knows that all control issues are left to the husband. After all, we know who really is the most imporant person in our lives....us...god....NO SILLY, it is our husband. And isn't he just wonderful. Thank God we don't have to trouble ourselves trying to find meaning in our lives. Let the man tell us what he needs. It is the job of the uber-feminist to meet those needs. And what a full time job that can be, can I get an amen from the uber-femi's.

I would also like to send a thank you to our uber-feminist health issues committee, who provided information regarding the "our bodies, our selves -- lies for women" discussion. We are so bombarded with open and frank discussions about women and their sexuality. UG! Finally, someone has the guts to tell it like it is. Our "monthly girlie thing" is not to be a concern for our husbands. Can you believe some so-called wives actually have their husbands buying feminie hygine products for them? We uber-feminist know that this is our cross to bear alone and silently. And what is with all this "equality in sexual politics?" As uber-feminists, we understand and accept that we are to follow our husbands lead. When, where, and how is his decision, not ours. Can you imagine wives actually telling their husbands they want sex and how to pleasure them?!? As if a wife has the actual desire for such things.

So I implore all of you to attend our next meeting. Let's see how many ideas we can share on the following topics:

Why cleaning house really is women's work.
How to learn to leave your husband alone when he gets home from work.
Keeping up appearances, even if you are at the grocery store.
Learning to make your weekly allowance stretch for 2 weeks.
The importance of keeping your feelings to yourself.
How to learn to be invisible.
How to deal with self-loathing.
Keeping your suicide-fantasies to a minimum.


Ah, the uber-feminist. The world really is a wonderful place.....as long as we are home alone.....seen and not heard......stay out of the workforce.....keep our feelings of lonliness and isolation to ourselves.

Cous Cous

10.12.2004

the cleavers, we ain't

this is dinner at our house:

emma eating dinner wearing only a pair of summer shorts.

nik demanding to know what animal this "stuff" came from.

emma using her steak as a utensil to eat her ketchup, with her fingers

nik asking if i can still hear the music even though he is plugging his ears (yes, i can)

emma announcing how much she loves this "jango fet" music and dancing around while licking her fingers (for the record we were listening to django reinhart---not to be confused with the character, jango fet, from star wars).

emma screaming at the top of her lungs thinking she has blood on her stomach, which turns out to be ketchup.

emma nearly choking to death from the combination of laughing at herself and shoving a side of a cow down her throat.

me saying, "ALL RIGHT, DINNER IS NOW DONE."

dan and i laughing as both the children see how many mini cookies they can shove in their mouth and spraying each other with cookie crumbs.

miss manners would have a heart attack if she had to dine at this zoo. at least my kids are past flinging their poo at each other across the table. i am kidding.....or am i?

10.08.2004

up & away in my beautiful balloon....

WARNING -- THE FOLLOWING BLOG CONTAINS A WHIFF OF POLITICS. 'TIS THE SEASON.....


i have been talking way too much lately. i have been having an out-of-body experience while i am in the middle of conversations. my mouth is running a mile a minute and suddenly i float off. no longer aware of what i am saying. then, in an instant i am back in the moment. however, i cannot remember what i am talking about but am painfully aware that i am talking. and talking. and talking. so, then i am nervous and embarassed, my face turns purple and my conversation ends up in me saying something like:

"well, so, like i don't know. i'm just so crazy. who am i to talk. i mean, ya know, life is so funny that way....."

i trail off into oblivion, the stares of the people around me cause me to laugh nervously and i end up chirping like a crazed squirrel.

i so wish that all of my talking could be held in one of those cartoon balloons. that way when i zap back into the middle of my conversations i could politely excuse myself and float away.

"....so, like, ummmm...yeah, excuse me. i need to just grab these words and get the fuck out of here. it may seem rude, but really i am doing this for your own good. if i don't float away right now i am just going to keep rambling to you and i have no idea what we are talking about. bye bye......"

ah, if only life could be like cartoons. i can only imagine what i would look like. a frumpy watermelon-shaped-head creature with a long nose and giant teeth that fly out of my big mouth when i laugh. clown feet that trip me, even when i am sitting on my alaskan sized butt. a chirping voice that rises to ear-splitting levels when upset. tall and wide forehead that has a running ticker with the following: "WARNING! SOME MATERIAL NOT SUITABLE FOR ADULTS AND CHILDREN! PERSCRIPTION MEDICATION ADVISED. CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE. HANDLE WITH CARE!" what a pretty picture.

it is friday family movie night here. although dan and i are biding our time until the kids go to bed and we can really let our hair down. soft lights, the warm glow of the television, eating chinese food in bed....and listening to dan scream at george w. and me yelling at dan, "quiet! i can't hear a goddamn thing when you yell!" nik coming out into the hallway to see what all the yelling is about, "hey, relax you guys. we are all friends here. why is daddy yelling at the president?" emma coming out of her room to see what all the activity is about and deciding to climb up into our love nest/bed and eat all of my chinese food. both of the kids telling dan to stop yelling at the president. dan using some junk words and promising both the kids he will put $10 into the junk word jar. me saying, "ALL RIGHT. IT IS NOW TIME FOR EVERYONE TO RETURN TO THEIR ROOMS AND GO TO SLEEP." me making dan go back out to get more food. me falling asleep waiting for dan to come back. me waking up in the middle of the night and looking over at my husband sleeping soundly. i will look at him and feel a sudden rush of love. sometimes it hits me so hard i lose my breath. i will nudge him in the ribs and kiss him on the nose and i will be reminded of how lucky i am.

god bless and remember to VOTE!

10.06.2004

the force is strong......










watch for the cameo by "evita." see how seriously she takes this! oh, yeah, the lump on the couch...that is me. i managed to sleep thru all of this. well, if you were home sick with hand, foot and mouth for a week what would you do? you without the sin of boredom cast the first stone.

10.01.2004

loves o' mine

tell me i am not the luckiest woman in the world....


what says summer more than wet grassy feet


'tis a thing of beauty


oh, nik is sooooo mature for his age


me and evita


the spoils of summer


the lake holds many mysteries


these things will meet a horrible end when dan isn't looking


yes, this motherhood thing is hard, but sometimes they make my job effortless


i figured after all the ranting and raving i have done lately i should be more positive. this is my attempt at being suzy sunshine. i am a work in progress.....

9.30.2004

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BOO

today my firsborn, my beautiful son, Nikolas was born. he is now 6 years old. i can't believe it. i remember almost everything about the day he was born. mostly i remember, after pushing for an hour, whispering to my husband "what is taking so long. what are we waiting for?" dan just laughed and said in his loud voice, "sweetie, we are waiting for you to push the baby out." what had i been doing for an hour? was this pre-pushing? the dr. informed me there was no such thing. that if i wanted the baby out i would have to push him all the way out.

FOUR HOURS LATER, this beautiful purple and green lizard-boy with an extended head finally arrived. when they placed nik on my chest i actually gasped. the dr. said, "yep, a 10 lb. 12 oz. baby will do that to you."

i always laugh to myself when i hear of women who absolutely refuse to even consider any type of medication for childbirth. i salute you. me, i like the drugs.

but, this is not about me, although i am responsible for him being here. never mind the pain i endured. never mind the extra backfat i now carry with me. never mind my body looks as if an animal clawed his way out. i have nikolas.

nikolas is now 6. he is the most interesting person i know. he uses phrases like, "by the way" and "did i happen to mention." I LOVE THAT. he has a wonderful sense of humor and a very sharp intellect. he has lost so much of the momma's boy personality, but still likes it when i snuggle to him in bed. when i say goodbye to him at school he insists on just waving. no messy kisses allowed. but when i tuck him in at night he whispers in my ear, "momma i am going to buy a house near you when i grow up. that way i can still see you everyday. will you still love me?"

this is where the happy tears flow freely. i can't even imagine what this beautiful boy could do that would ever make me stop loving him. dan's parents haven't spoken to him in years. my parents forgot nik's birthday today. this baffles me. i constantly strive to keep what is most important in my mind. HUSBAND AND CHILDREN. it may not seem like a lot, but to me i am the richest woman in the world.

after opening his presents, we had cake for breakfast. nik and emma have been home sick all week with the damn HAND FOOT AND MOUTH virus. i have also fallen victim of this motherfucker of a virus. nik's mouth is covered with so many sores he can barely eat. nik was unable to eat his birthday cake and ran crying to his room. "this is the worst birthday of my life!" how small do we feel? i promised nik that once all the sores were healed there would be cake for breakfast again. this brought a smile to my boo's face. that smile made my day.

9.28.2004

welcome to virus island

DAMN HAND FOOT AND MOUTH!!!

what is this virus? i hadn't heard about this until last year. nik had managed to escape lice, rsv, chicken pox, and this hand foot mouth disease. why do they call it a disease? isn't this just a virus. the kind of virus that is reeking havoc on my life. leave it to emma to bring it home and share.

this is my life for the past 3 days:

emma with a fever between 100.9 and 102.8
emma yelling
emma covered in a rash that is painful to the touch
popsicle
popsicle
coke (for me)
emma yelling
emma sleeping for 20 minutes and then yelling
emma having a fever so high she is seeing bugs on her wall that aren't there
popsicle
popsicle
emma fever
emma yelling
me going to get nik from school because he is now sick
emma fever
emma now refusing to eat popsicle
coke (for me and nik)
nik in wizard costume sleeping like an angel
me crying in the bathroom from lack of sleep
emma fever hitting 102
me freaking out and actually yelling at the nurse in my pediatrician's office
me apologizing
me yelling again
emma crying her lungs out as i give her a tepid bath to break the fever
nik helping me (what a godsend, extra birthday presents this year)
hubby coming home to absolute nightmare
hubby bringing sherbert home for emma
emma happy to see daddy (this lasts for about 3 minutes)
emma yelling
emma having another tepid bath
emma calm and resting next to me in my bed
emma puking all over me
emma yelling
emma fever
emma not sleeping
family not sleeping
me hating to see my little baby so unhappy and there is nothing i can do about it


the best part of the past 3 days: kathryn, who upon hearing that emma was reallly sick with hand foot and mouth actually said the following:

"how can she have that? she isn't around any cows? when was she around any livestock?"

god bless kathryn. and god help me. this lie about fever lasting 3 days is bullshit. poor nik should be at his worst for his birthday later this week. nobody ever tells you this part of parenthood. sick kids and you feeling completely helpless.

pity party, table for one

i know you! you were the girl on the playground that didn't participate with the group. you made yourself the outsider. you vowed revenge on all who made you feel so lonely. you were going to show the world. they would be sorry. gee, you are starting to sound a lot like carrie. remember what happened to her? personally, you could go up in flames and i wouldn't mind.

you think you have discovered something special and should be the only one entitled to use it. what make you think only your words are worth reading? what makes you think that no one else has any thing of any relevance to say? who the fuck do you think you are?

"this is mine and only for me. i am the only person who has something important to say. i am not going to share. see how smart and funny i am? don't you envy me, NOW? don't you wish you could be me? all you have are cheap imitations, i am the original and the best."

FUCK YOU!

i know you. and you know that. i know how pathetic you really are. i know how you feel when you look in the mirror. all your worst fears are true. you are the worst. you are still the same sad little miss nothing you were growing up. you haven't changed at all. you can pretend and rewrite history all you want. you haven't grown up at all. go on, have your big dreams of "being something." i know you are a great pretender, but i also remember everything you said. you told me things you shouldn't have and i will forever hold them against you. you make me sick.

enjoy your empty little existance. i know that each day you will wake up to the reality that you are not good enough.....for ANYTHING. but, hey, keep trying. i admire how you continue to try even though you know you will always fail. good luck with all that.

by the way, did i mention that your husband attempted an inappropriate intimacy with me? hard to believe? really....think about it. think about your sad little life, your desperate attempts to "keep things going." isn't it amazing how thin that string is...you know the string that is holding your entire "little happy life" together. a strong wind can and will break it...again and again. but, hey, keep trying.

you are one pathetic plucky little snail.

9.19.2004

the lean, mean, processed-meat-eating machine

i am driving in the car. evita is in the backseat. i come to an intersection and realize that because of construction, the road i need is closed. i decide to turn left, from the right hand lane. normally, i would never do such a thing, but it was either turn illegally or run off the road. apparently the bald guy in the convertable bmw behind me didn't care if i ran off the road because as i made the illegal turn he yelled, "bitch." to which i responded, "are you out of your fucking mind?!?!" then i hear from the backseat, "HEY, YOU MISTER, DON'T SAY THAT JUNK WORD!"

i have never been so proud! i apologized to emma for my use of the junk word and for yelling at the guy. emma responded with, "it's ok, momma. he should not talk that way to my momma. he is making bad decisions. i don't like that mean man."

emma. she may not always like me, but she always "got my back."

9.17.2004

did you happen to see the most beautiful boy in the world?

nikolas, the love of my life, overheard me telling dan that i was going to take kathryn (my mom) to target this morning. there is an entire blog entry coming on what it means to "take kathryn to target," but that comes later. nik has the capacity to hear me whisper to dan about birthday presents or cookies being in the house, but he can't hear me say, "5 minutes before we leave for school." amazing, isn't it?

so i am brushing my teeth, talking to dan (who is in the shower ---- we often have conversations this way, privacy no longer exists in our home) and nik suddenly is hugging me from behind. "i love you, momma. you are the best momma in the whole universe and earth, too. i think you look very pretty this morning, and your breath smells really good." i hug him and cover his face with kisses. i know that this is a ploy to win me over for something, but i love the attention so i play along.

me: "why thank you, nik. how sweet of you to say so."

nik: "you know, if you wanted to, you could buy me a teddy bear at target."

me: "well, what about the other 10 teddy bears you have already? won't they be jealous if i bring another bear into the house? you hardly have any room in your bed to sleep. how would your bears feel if they had to give up more of the bed to make room for another bear?"

nik: "mom, we all need to learn to get along. there should be room for any bear who wants to sleep in my bed. i don't mind. i could even sleep on the floor."

mind you, this boy has a bunk bed, filled to capacity with animals and pillows.

me: "that is very generous of you, honey. i don't think i can't get a new bear today."

nik: "mom, is it a money issue?"

me: "ummmm, ok, yeah, it is a money issue."

nik: "that i understand, mom. will you let me know when daddy has money and then you can ask him if it is ok for you to have some money so that you can buy me a new bear?"

me: "sure thing nik. i will ask daddy for my allowance and then spend it on you."

nik: "what is an allowance? why are you laughing? what is so funny? are you losing it, momma?"

yeah, i am losing it.

9.12.2004

sunday blues

my mother was the first person to explain the concept of the "sunday blues" to me. i could never understand why i felt the way i did on sundays. it is a combination of exhaustion and nervous anxiety. i am sooooooo tired, but my mind is racing. my legs feel like cement, but my heart is racing. my skull is throbing. i feel like my scalp is going to fall off the sides of my head revealing a pulsating skull.

help. my nerves are frazzled. between my school, the kids in school, the cost of our new kitchen, dan's employment situation, my dad's health, my sister.....blah, blah. don't get me started on the upcoming election, the death of the school children in russia, the starving children in africa, the homeless situation in america, the amount of families without healthcare coverage or even enough food to eat.......UG.

my fingers hurt, my brain is swelling, i feel like i can't breathe. i want to crawl into bed and sleep for days.

i take a deep breath and watch my daughter dance around the basement naked. i listen to my son tell me all about tornados and how a black hole can bend light. i watch my husband fold the clean laundry. i watch the dog curl up on the couch for another nap. i whisper a prayer to god. i thank him for all my blessings and ask him to watch over the world. people without any faith in any religion can't quite understand the point of faith. how can i explain how important it is for me to have something to believe in. on the one hand it is hard to believe in the existance of any type of god with the world we live in. then it is impossible for me to not believe in god when i see the rare moments of love, humanity and pure love around me. all the questions, how could god? why would god allow? fade from my mind.

i believe because i need to believe. because sometimes the sunday blues have me sooooo down looooooww that i need god to pull me up and remind me to take a deep breath. maybe i am not as evolved as some people who deny the existance of god on a rational and intellectual level, and that is ok. for simple-minded folk like me is is very simple: god is good.

9.08.2004

the problem with being a grown up

the problem with being a grown up is the you are aware of the world around you. when we are small children we are oblivious to all the pain and hatred going on around us. hopefully we were unaware. now when i watch the news i want to cry. how do i explain to my son that children in this world, in our very own country are hungry? how can i explain that people hate so much that they take another person's life? how long can i keep my kids from being aware of all the ugliness in the world? i made the mistake of having npr on in the car when i was taking my son to school. after hearing the report about the deaths of the school children in russia he asked me, "did little children die? why did that happen?"

i was so busy looking for a fucking parking spot at the school i didn't notice what i was listening to. "little pitchers" rather than tell him, "oh, it was nothing," as my parents did i told him the truth: some people make really bad decisions that can hurt other people. this he understood. how can he understand this? i don't.

sorry, guess the world is getting to me....

9.05.2004

gotta love the chef

this is the reason i love my babies.

nik: boy, i love this chef boyardee. ( he was eating pasta and homemade sauce. i don't have the slightest idea why he feels the need to reduce my home-cooked meals to something that comes out of a can)

emma: i don't like the chef. it is disgusting! (she says this as she is eating like i haven't fed her for weeks.)

me: when did either of you ever have chef boyardee?

nik: long time ago.

emma: yeah.

me: when? when did you have the chef? (now i am calling it "the chef." isn't it funny how we parents pick up and use our children's language?)

nik: BIG SIGH -- when we went to the north pole. santa gave it to us.

me: you went all the way to the north pole and all santa could feed you was the chef?

nik: i liked it. santa's busy. he showed me some karate.

emma: yeah. and ballet dances, too.

me: where was mrs. claus?

emma: she dead.

nik: yeah.


i see.

9.03.2004

calling dr. feelgood.....

so i go to see my friendly family doctor. i told him that i was there against my will. my mother made me go to see him. apparently my loving husband had informed her that i have been complaining of a headache for the past weeks. my mother proceeds to begin "working on me" to call the doctor for an appointment.

"while you are there be sure to tell him about your sinus trouble. and how you have been so tired lately. and let him know about your constant throwing up....blah blah blah."

this continues for another 20 minutes. somewhere in the midst of this, she suggests that i make a list of problems so that i don't leave anything out. when i decline, she offers to make the list for me.

this is my mother. i am slowing becoming my mother.

when i was 12 years old my mother put "the curse" on me. i had just returned from spending the night at a friend's house. this friend of mine was very "cosmo girl." she had taught me all about the word: fuck. how to use it, when to use it, etc. we had spent hours practicing. i enjoyed this very much. so much, that when i returned home i tried it out on my own mom. i was in my room, which was a complete mess for most of the 18 years i lived there. my mom came into my room and simply asked if i was ever planning on cleaning up my room. my response to this innocent question was: "MYO'f-ing'B."

ever have one of those moments when you wish you had the power to stop time and reverse it? as the words left my mouth and were hanging in the air i desperately wished i had this power. i could see the words just hanging there, floating from my mouth across the room to my mother. i wish i could have reached out, grabbed them and shoved them into my pocket.

my mother received this verbal assualt with all the composure of a seasoned general.

"you know, jennifer.....you and i don't have to like each other. in fact, there will be a period of time in which you don't want to be around me. i understand this and it is ok. because we will survive this period of time and will come out of it as friends. i just want you to know that."

i stood there frozen. i couldn't believe she was going to let me off the hook. didn't she hear what i said? didn't she hear that sassy pre-teen voice of mine? isn't she going to punish me? then she laid "the curse" on me. just as i thought she was going to leave my room, she paused at the door....gave me a look to melt the polar icecaps (bette davis would have been proud) and said:

"one day i hope you have a daughter that treats you the way you treat me."

HELP. i wasn't so young that i didn't understand the implications of her threat. and yes, it was a threat. i tried in vain to roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders, but deep down i was terrified. and i had reason to be. enter: EMMA. the chickens have come home to roost. and don't think that kathryn isn't loving every minute of it.

so, i tell the doctor that i am fine and that i am there against my will. i haven't been in charge of my own will for quite some time. he is so kind and patient. he decided that since i was there i should take advantage of the opportunity and enjoy the peace and quiet of his office. i asked if i could take a nap. he smiled at me and said, "you have 20 minutes," and closed the door. i left the doctor's office very happy, recharged, and with nasal spray and an antihistimine.

when my husband and mother asked what the doctor had recommended, i informed them i wasn't to do anymore housework because it irritates my allergies. i don't think they bought this....

8.31.2004

actual events inspired by fictional characters

these things have really happened:

at a wake of a family member, i informed a LARGE group of people that i believed the dearly departed had waited until the first grandchild was born before passing on. i said, "it was as if the baby gave her a new LEASH ON LIFE."

while out walking late one night, i discovered that i hadn't been kicking a piece of cardboard down the street, but rather a dead squirrel that had petrified in the heat of the day.

when responding to the question, "why would anyone have their nipples pierced?" i answered, "because it is an ANDROGENOUS ZONE."

when commenting on how my son had taken advantage of a situation, i once said "he is PLAYING YOU LIKE A BOOK."

while pregnant and waiting for a train, i threw up on a stranger's shoes. when i bent down to wipe them off with a wet wipe i proceeded to throw up on the stranger's briefcase.

while having a loud disagreement with my daughter in a store, she yelled at me: "you are hurting my penis!" i responded with, "YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS!" to which she said, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU BROKE IT. YOU ALWAYS BREAK PEOPLE'S PENISES!" the only logical response from me was: "THAT IS NOT TRUE! DADDY STILL HAS HIS PENIS AND IT IS JUST FINE, LET ME TELL YOU!"


it is ugly, but true. i blame my mother, who is forever asking me questions like: "who is that moody guy from 'bubblefish' movie?" this would confuse other people, but i am familiar with all things kathryn. i am able to respond: "you mean matt dillon from 'rumblefish'" i always know what she means. my husband being only with us for the past 14 years still has trouble keeping up. he asked me one day, "am i ever going to understand what you are talking about?" i told him, "hey, you LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY OTHER DAY."

8.30.2004

ahh, men!

i married a man. a real man. a man who was once a "guy" and then got married and had kids. a "guy" who grew up and takes his responsibilities seriously. even when he doesn't want to.

dan is on the verge, (and i mean as in tomorrow afternoon), of losing his job. while he doesn't think this is a personal reflection upon him (because it isn't) he is worried. he takes this "i am the only person with an income" business very seriously. i have been fortunate enough to stay at home for the past 6 years. i complain on a daily, sometimes hourly, basis about this mommy job of mine. i have been jealous of dan because he gets to talk with adults during the day and even goes out to lunch with friends. i resent him coming home late, i resent him complaining about his job, i resent him complaining about his boss. the truth is my man takes care of his family. he dutifully goes to a horrible job that sucks the life out of him so that i can stay home with the kids. he does this because he loves me. he loves his children. he wants us to have a good life. i owe so much to this man. i am amazed at this person. i knew him when he had a jar of "goober" in his college dorm. i knew him when he still had dreams that did not include a wife and kids. this man has taken jobs he hates for me and his children. how dare i complain? really, am i so petty that i engage in a contest of "whose job sucked more today?" i am not afraid to admit that i have done this. i am not proud of myself.

i am proud of my husband. he worries about money, mortgage payments, car payments, money, college saving funds, medical insurance payments, the well-being of his wife and children, and money. i don't know how many stay at home moms actually think about what their husbands experience being the only "bread-winner" of the house. my husband will rarely burden me with his worries because he thinks i have enough on my plate already. the sad thing is, i do. i sometimes forget all that he is dealing with on a daily basis. at night i am plagued with worries about the kids. i never really worry about him because he seems so strong. ------oh my god, am i turning into a hallmark spotlight movie of the week featuring meredith baxter as the dutiful wife and joannah kerns as her loyal friend? i see lots of meaningful conversations over coffee in a kitchen so clean it looks like no meals have actually been cooked there. sorry......

sorry, i guess i need to go watch tv. damn the republican convention, i know i should be watching so that i get a balanced view, but....come on. i watched the democratic convention, but something about kerry's voice lulled me into a deep sleep. i have a sneaking suspicion that the right wingers will have the same effect. is 9:30 too early to go to bed?

why can't rubber grow in a civilized climate?

sick day? no such thing for mom. i feel as if i have been swallowing swords that were dipped in acid. our kitchen is being ripped apart and will be unuseable for the next week. nik starts school tomorrow (THANK YOU JESUS). dan has job interview this week. i still need to get books for myself for school (even though i am not going to go through with it). i need to drop off emma's health form to prove that she will not contaminate kids in preschool.....

I AM SICK.

our cable went out last night. this meant we were spared the closing ceremonies of the olympics. THANK YOU JESUS. that is my biggest problem with the olympics. i could do without the opening and closing. it encompasses everything that i depise. it makes me wish i could pass for a canadian or a german. don't get me wrong. i do like being an american. i find it one of the healthest challenges on the face of the earth. just when you think you can come out of the cave you've been hiding in, our country goes and pulls another bonehead trick out of it's bag and it is back to the cave of shame. i couldn't live in any other country because i am too american. i am set in my ways and love the freedom of complaining about my homeland.

am i patriotic? i don't think i can even spell this word properly. i don't care if you burn the american flag, but i cry everytime i hear the national anthem. voting in our country is our duty, not a exercise to be taken lightly. besides, you can't complain if you don't vote. even if your vote doesn't seem to matter or count. i don't care for the current president or administration, but i pray every day for the women and men who are fighting overseas. i don't like the idea that if you are critical of the president/administration that you hate america. i hate that people try to entangle god and politics. i deal with spiritual conflicts on a personal level, i don't want them played out on a political level.

UG!

i don't like where this is going....please excuse the rambling.....i have a fever......did i mention charlie manson is upstairs ripping apart my kitchen while i hide in the basement?.......please someone get me a popsicle.....

8.28.2004

the three faces of eve

emma has many moods, usually all of which we experience on a daily basis. her moods are intense and at times, exhausting. i swear her good looks are the only saving grace.




this is the emma everyone loves







be afraid, be very afraid of meatface!!







run as fast as you can.....

sweet peas



a boy, a lake and one heck of a tanline




beach bunnies

8.27.2004

see, you aren't the biggest loser...

i have been keeping a secret. i am going back to school. i promised myself years ago that i would have my degree by the time i was 30. well, i have pushed that date back, quite a bit. i am so close to finishing a degree in anthropology, but really my days of going to dig in africa disappeared once i had nik.

so, i will be going back to school this september. and yes, i will be the oldest (and have the biggest butt) person there. i am really nervous. i told nik and emma that i was feeling a little nervous about going back to school. nik was very understanding and told me to relax. "just be nice, momma, and you will make friends. remember, you have to be friendly if you want friends." thanks nik.

emma said: "don't go. just stay home and be mommy." oh, that is tooooo easy for me! i have been mommy for 6 years. mommy needs to find the outside world. i used to know things. i used to be aware of the world around me. i need to know more than just what arthur and dw are fighting about and if spongebob will ever get his driver's license. although i do care about these things.

when i expressed my concerns to dan his response was: "hey, tommy lee is going back to college. there is going to be a whole new reality show about him going to college. and he is older than you."

i actually married this man and promised god i would stick it out through good and bad. the weird part is, i am strangely comforted by this.....tommy and me back in school. i will just die if he gets his degree before me!

happy happy joy joy

i truly admire the enthusiasm that my kids have for ANYTHING. we were at the park earlier this week and they spent 30 minutes (a new olympic record for uninterrupted focus) playing with a catapillar. i was amazed at how tender and gentle they were and how they SHARED and TOOK TURNS NICELY while playing. it was as if god looked at me and decided i needed a reminder of just how fortuate i am. i seem to have moments like this on the days where i am seriously thinking about running away to live in a hole in the ground somewhere in the woods.

"wat'cha thinkin' mommy?" my daughter caught me daydreaming. i told her i wasn't sure and she decided that she would tell me all the things i was thinking about. her list was the following:

making cookies
butterflies
watching barbie in the nutcracker (AGAIN)
going to the store to buy cookies
getting a kitty cat
frogs
how pretty and sweet emma is
cookies
ice cream
giving me that new toy under your bed that i know is for me


emma will be a great detective. she can sense when i have been shopping for future birthday and christmas presents. and she found my hiding spot under my bed. i realize it wasn't the best place, but kids are funny. i could have hidden them in their rooms, next to their shoes or dirty clothes basket. things in plain sight become invisible to small children. emma "discovered" her birthday present earlier in the day, but thought enough to put on a show for me later on.

emma pretending that something was poking her foot: "oh momma, what is this? how lovely is this? what could this be? is this for someone special?" a future oscar winner.

nik is still unaware that there are presents there for him as well. that is until, little emma (the informer) not only tells him, but shows him as well.

suddenly it is very quiet in the house. i am here in the basement while the children have snuck upstairs, telling me: "we just need to get one thing, we will be right back." the concept of time is so amazing. right back for me means right back. for nik it means maybe 20 minutes later. long enough for an evil plan to be devised and hatched by the rascals. nik will come back downstairs saying, "umm, mom, umm you are going to be mad about this." he is mistaken. i will not be mad. i will shake my head in wonderment at how two small kids can reek such havoc on my home. i may frown, but inside i am smiling. i don't yell, even when they make a "creation" that involves putting flour and breadcrumbs all over the carpeting. or when they "decorate" the bathroom with 2 entire cans of shaving cream.

the fact is, i love them. i love the way they use an entire box of band-aids. i love the way they smell after a day at the beach. i love the way emma reaches up to take my hand to cross a street. i love the way nik goes around the house wrapping "presents" for me in his dirty clothes. me: "ohh, look, a barbie with no head, just for me. i love it. and i love that you wrapped her so nicely in your soccer socks."

today just might be a good day.......

8.23.2004

how do i love thee?

how can you not love a man who makes you a salami sandwich, miracle whip on both slices of bread, at 11:00 pm because he thought you should eat something before you go to sleep.

how can you not love a man who rolls over during the night and tells you, "stop worrying, everything is going to be fine." without you having to say a word, he knows you are riddled with panic and are about to spend another sleepless night.

how can you not love a man who has made it a custom to leave you a q-tip out, while you are in the shower, so you can clean your ears. without fail.

how can you not love a man who dotes on your parents, but still takes your back in disagreements between you and your mom (even though he secretly calls your mother to tell her she is right and you are wrong.)

how can you not love a man who claims the reason he needs satilite tv is so that you can watch the bbc news. really, it isn't for him, at all.

how can you not love a man who will get out of bed and make you popcorn simply because you said, "i need a little something."

how can you not love a man who always buys you socks for christmas because he knows you will never buy them for yourself. and when he gives them to you he says, "to keep those ugly things you call feet nice and warm."

how can you not love a man who will spend 20 minutes trying to justify his need for yet another type of toothpaste, "i have sensitive teeth and i need the baking soda." completely ignoring the 2 unopened tubes in the bathroom because they aren't "enamle protectors."

how can you not love a man who giggles like a school girl when you tell him about your latest humiliating experience.

how can you not love a man who makes you feel completely naked with one glance.

how can you not love a man who watched you deliver two babies (and the pooping incident on the table) and still wants to have sex with you.

how can you not love a man who can melt you with his smile.

how can you not love a man who will watch any bette davis movie with you....and actually enjoy it.

how can you not love a man who was the first person you knew who actually ate a movie theatre hot dog and enjoyed it. then he convinces you to eat one too.

how can you not love a man who cried at both of his weddings.

how can you not love a man who greets you when he gets home from work with, "hey, your butt looks really small today. have you lost weight?" and you can almost believe him because he is so damn cute.

how can you not love a man who can go without a shower for 4 days and still look so fucking good.

daniel, my love...now and forever

8.22.2004

meeting mommy right

ok, this could be it. i think i have met mommy right. she is nice, funny and sarcastic, smart, pretty, not too thin, was wearing no makeup, and -- the best part -- her daughter was sassy to her IN FRONT OF ME. this could be it. have i met mommy right? she said all the right things, she even complained about motherhood. i don't want to get too carried away. this has been my downfall in the past, but i think i picked up on THE VIBE.

THE VIBE is rare. it happens so infrequently. some moms only dream of experiencing THE VIBE. THE VIBE is the feeling you get when you meet someone like yourself. most single people search for THE VIBE as a future mate. i have been looking for the perfect friend. a mommy, like me, who has small and demanding children and doesn't care that her butt is the size of alaska. ok, mommy right has a very nice butt, smaller than mine, but not so small that i hate to walk behind her.

ok, i realize i sound like a complete nut, but you don't know what is like. i can't meet a normal mom. it goes without saying that i adore my kids. i love and adore my husband. i actually like being a stay at home mom (ok, 75% of the time). but i am only human. i need to vent. why is venting a sign that you hate your kids/husband/complete existance? i don't want to feel like i am the only mom on the face of the earth who could do without the complete sacrafice of myself for my family. doesn't any other mom feel completely invisible? since when did i become a "mam" instead of "miss?" doesn't any other mom feel like her head will explode if she has to answer one more question.

except the ones like: "do bees have butts? where do bees poop? what happens if your eyes fall out of your head? can i name the worm that lives in my eyelashes? why are you always holding your head and moaning? can my wing-a (read: vagina) fall out of my butt?" these questions i actually enjoy.

is it too much to ask that i find a normal, noncompetitive mom who isn't overjoyed at a lack of sleep and lack of her own personal existence? i may have found her. this is where the zoloft comes into play. hopefully i won't freak her out and scare her off. this is sounding a bit like a lifetime movie, isn't it?

"she thought she was safe. she had moved from state to state to keep her and her family safe. would this be a safe place? could she survive in this suburban neighborhood? or would she be found out? if only she could tell....is it....could it be.....oh no! run for your life, it's.....it's......CRAZY NEEDY MOM LOOKING FOR A NEW FRIEND! great, now she will have to move again."

i seriously pity this poor woman. she has no idea what she is up for. silly woman, gave me her phone number. honestly, i hope this works out. jesus, i didn't have this much trouble dating when i was single. is that what happens? i can't date my husband, so i date friends? someone to go to the movies with, eat dinner out, shop....? should i have been a lesbian? but i still want to have sex with my husband. am i experiencing "gender confusion?" has it passed from my son to me? does this mean i can stop shaving my legs?

ok, deep breath, time to go take a z.

8.21.2004

well, there isn't

when i was young, and yes i am old enough to be able to use this saying, i thought about how small and meaningless my life was, that there was something better and greater. i would spend hours dreaming about the life i would really live, once i got this preliminary life out of the way. it was if i was practicing for something great. as if i was an olympic hopeful, trying to establish my existence. that one day, i would grow up and this would all be some memory i would fondly recall, sitting at a fabulous dinner party, having one too many glasses of wine.

"....ah, yes, i did once wonder what would become of me. i once worried that i would amount to nothing. as you can see, with all my success in the {PLACE NAME OF FABULOUS OCCUPATION HERE, AS YET UNDERTERMINED} this is not the case, thank God"


the truth is, there isn't any OTHER great life waiting for me. this is my life. and, honestly, it isn't that bad. in fact, it is pretty good. life is what you make it, got to take the bitter with the sweet. this is my life, for better or worse. most days it is better. i know i complain and vent endlessly about my life, but i wouldn't trade it for any thing else. so, ok, more nap time and quiet dinners would be nice, but i have so much great stuff---not really stuff as much as people. hey, it is never boring around here.

my children are becoming very well trained. nik will enter my room in the morning and ask if i am awake yet. as always, i am not ready to get out of bed (why didn't the children inherit my hatred of early mornings?). nik then goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and brings me a cold coke. yes, the breakfast of champions! nik always delivers my coke with a smile that warms my heart and a desperate plea for me not to kiss him with my "terrible and awful morning breath." emma wakes me up by pushing my eyelids open saying, "ok, awake now mommy."

i once dreaded the kids waking me up. i asked nik one morning why he insisted on waking me up as soon as he was awake. "i am lonely without you," was his reply. can you imagine? these fragile little creatures actually WANT to be with me as soon as they wake up. my husband isn't that excited to see his creature wife first thing in the morning.

why do they love me? what is it about me that they cling to? i am honestly not that nice of a person. nik and emma have supreme confidence in my abilities. this absolutely floors me. and even when i fuck up, which is at least once a day, they return to me sure that i am the one person who can fix their problems. i can't fix mine, but i am like a superhero to them. they don't care what i look like, in fact they are convinced i am the "pretty prettiest mommy in the entire world AND earth." they believe that i have the answers for EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. nik says it is because of my big forehead which apparently holds my gigantic brain. they are amazed at my courage at shunning the fear of dark and spiders. i have also impressed them with my ability to yell and swear at other drivers on the road. after a sudden outburst at an idiot on the road i heard my son whisper to his little sister, "see, mommy is in charge of everybody." emma replied, "i already know that, nik!" i didn't know that. i have always thought it would be easier to be in charge of other peoples lives instead of mine. there would be no sense of attachement.

truth is, i like this attachment to my life. i am invested in these children. i don't hate my daily life. it's just that sometimes i am hit with the realization that i am someone's mother. that is really scary for a person who has yet to grow up herself. my husband has made me a better person, but it is my babies that are making me a mother. it is the day in and day out grind of attending to their every whim. i am here, this is my place. yes, it is dirty and noisy and completely thankless, but it is mine. this is the other life i was dreaming about. only it is better than my dream life in so many ways. i will never understand why these kids think i am up to the task of being their mother, but their belief in me is astounding. it is my job to live up to their expectations.

does it get better than this? no, because it never ends. the minute these little people passed through my body into the world they became my life. day by day i am learning to embrace this gift. not to say that i don't dream about more peace and quiet, but...well, when you have children you understand that there just isn't any such thing.

8.18.2004

don't mind me while i push this rock up a hill....

these are things i could do without:

being a referee for my children

being a maid (and not a very good one)

being told "don't worry" which is like telling me hold my breath for an hour

being petty, so petty that i hate people for their successes

being completely indifferent to my own appearance, other than loathesome

being in charge of finding fun activites for the kids

feeling like i would rather be anyplace than where i am

cleaning up the endless amount of crumbs around my house

being my own best friend


let me just say that when the blues hit, they take no prisoners. this is something that people who have never experienced depression can never understand. i once scared the shit out of someone when i described how i was feeling. it was like a small, cold metal ball was rolling throughout my insides, flattening all of my organs until i was completely hallow. i had become a shell. this person i had become was completely unrecognizable. i would spend hours staring at my refection trying to find some sort of human existance. i was unable to leave the house, sometimes i couldn't leave my bedroom. life had become like a blinding white light that burned. this may seem very melodramatic to you, but try spending 48 hours without sleep, talking to your cats and staring out at traffic. yes, i once lived in the bell jar.

sure, my medication helps, but i don't like living with a crutch. but, without it i fall down. ironic?! beats me. now when i fall, it is not as bad. now it is more like, FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ANYBODY OR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. i think this is not so much depression as it is motherhood.

SSDD

8.16.2004

dream vacation?

i spent the week before our family vacation telling myself that i would soon be relaxing. as i did laundry, packed clothes, hunted down beach towels, bought sunblock, i told myself that soon i would be relaxing. i will be up north, on the lake, taking morning walks on the beach, swimming in the waves, going to sleep with the sounds of crickets. this was my mantra as i did the dishes after the dinner battle we have with the kids every night.

finally we were up north. ah, i could exhale now. now i can breathe deep and relax. then i began unpacking the clothes, went to the grocery store, made dinner, hung beach towels on the line, scooped dog poop from the yard and did the dishes.

what is funny (or depressing, depending on your antidepressant doseage) is that this morning i woke up feeling recharged. i told myself that this monday is the beginning of a fresh week. a fresh start. time to get back to business with a fresh perspective. i was doing the dishes this morning (yes, from the dinner the night before, again, think about the serving fork in the neck of my adoring husband) and the realization hit me like a wall.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A VACATION FOR ME. I DO THE SAME SHIT UP NORTH THAT I DO AT HOME. THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE.

what should have been a moment where i burst into tears and run for my bed, i instead, found myself laughing. laughing so hard out loud that my daughter came in to check on me.

"what is it, mommy?"

yes, it is rare to see the mommy in her natural habitat in a fit of giggles.

"mommy just has the squirrels," i told her.

her face was frozen in utter confusion. i sat down on the floor of the kitchen and pulled her into my lap. i explained what "the squirrels" are and she enjoyed my ability to giggle like silly, just like her. i was caught up in this moment of recognition about my life and what kind of person i have become. i am coming to terms with my reality. sometimes it just doesn't get any better than that. i may not get a vacation anymore, but i can share a case of the giggles with my little girl.

there i was in my little moment of joy, my daughter in her princess nightgown, still warm and smelling of sleep. i hugged her to me and she whispered,

"mommy, don't get my beautiful nightgown wet. you know, your hands are wet. you should get a towel and dry them off. i don't want to be all wet. i will get cold and i will get sick. i will throw up and i don't want to throw up on my beautiful nightgown. it is my favorite one. see the princesses. they don't want to get wet. they don't want to get sick. remember when i threw up on you and all over your bed. was that disgusting?"

yes, it was. but i don't tell her that. instead i get up, dry off my hands on a dish towel. i turn to show her my hands are dry and there is no risk of contaminating her or the princesses on the nightgown, but she is gone. off to her busy schedule that nowadays involves me less. i am left alone in my sunny kitchen feeling dreamy and disconnected.