actual events inspired by fictional characters

these things have really happened:

at a wake of a family member, i informed a LARGE group of people that i believed the dearly departed had waited until the first grandchild was born before passing on. i said, "it was as if the baby gave her a new LEASH ON LIFE."

while out walking late one night, i discovered that i hadn't been kicking a piece of cardboard down the street, but rather a dead squirrel that had petrified in the heat of the day.

when responding to the question, "why would anyone have their nipples pierced?" i answered, "because it is an ANDROGENOUS ZONE."

when commenting on how my son had taken advantage of a situation, i once said "he is PLAYING YOU LIKE A BOOK."

while pregnant and waiting for a train, i threw up on a stranger's shoes. when i bent down to wipe them off with a wet wipe i proceeded to throw up on the stranger's briefcase.

while having a loud disagreement with my daughter in a store, she yelled at me: "you are hurting my penis!" i responded with, "YOU DON'T HAVE A PENIS!" to which she said, "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU BROKE IT. YOU ALWAYS BREAK PEOPLE'S PENISES!" the only logical response from me was: "THAT IS NOT TRUE! DADDY STILL HAS HIS PENIS AND IT IS JUST FINE, LET ME TELL YOU!"


it is ugly, but true. i blame my mother, who is forever asking me questions like: "who is that moody guy from 'bubblefish' movie?" this would confuse other people, but i am familiar with all things kathryn. i am able to respond: "you mean matt dillon from 'rumblefish'" i always know what she means. my husband being only with us for the past 14 years still has trouble keeping up. he asked me one day, "am i ever going to understand what you are talking about?" i told him, "hey, you LEARN SOMETHING NEW EVERY OTHER DAY."