failure to thrive

this was what my son's pediatrican said to me when he wasn't gaining back his weight a week after being born. it took the wind out of my sails. "you are the food source and he is not getting enough food." well, only a week old and i have already failed him. little did i know that this was only the beginning of my failures. jacqueline onassis said that nothing else she did in her life would matter if she didn't do a good job raising her kids. if i don't get this right, what else will matter. maybe it sounds a little harsh, but i have nothing else in my life. certainly nothing that matters as much as my babies. why is it that i always feel like i have failed somehow. they are both healthy, well adjusted, loved to pieces, well cared for. and yet, i still feel like i am not instilling the right things in them. when will i trust that my best is good enough? do mothers ever reach that point?

eclipse

when i least expect it, i slip. a darkness passess over the warm sunlight and i find i am lost. it is dark and i am lost. how can i explain what it is that happens. i am not prepared. but then again, how does one prepare to have the rug pulled out from under you? when i lay down at night, i feel myself slipping away into sleep and suddenly i am awake. panic floods my body. ice runs thru my veins. my heart pounds in my chest. all the mistakes made that day hit me in the face. all the mistakes from yesterday, all the yesterdays crash thru my brain. i open and shut my eyes, blinking it away, but all i can see are tiny points of light that cut into my line of vision. i can't catch my breath. then the feeling of panic passes and i am left with shame. shame and self-loathing pour into me and fill me up. why? why? why? i can't answer that question. all i know is how i feel. i am tired, but i can't sleep. i pace the house, seeing all the things i should do to take my mind off my mind, but i can't. i look over at the clock and am amazed, how did the last hour pass? i push my rosary beads deeper into my hands, praying to mother mary to bring me strength, courage, and peace of mind. help me to rise to the task. help push that dark away from the light. let me feel the warmth again. how long will this last? will it be gone by morning? can i pull myself together before i pick up my children? will they see the darkness in me? can they feell how hollow i feel inside? how can i tell them it isn't about them? how can i make them understand when i don't? how do i even explain this to myself?