don't step on my boundry

i am not good at drawing boundaries. especially when it comes to making friends. i meet a mom and think, "ok, we are both moms, we may have our differences, but surely we can come together as friends." the problem is that i tend to choose people who have such a different definition of what it means to be a friend. i sit and listen to this mom tell me how hard her life is, how horrible her life is, how disappointing her children are, how unhappy she is and i feel sorry for her. i say to myself that this poor 3-legged dog needs a good home with someone to take care of it. however, this 3-legged dog comes with an anchor that weighs down anyone who comes within 5 feet of it. i end up drowning in the sad life of this 3-legged dog and push my own feelings aside. out of pity! i think, who else will love this dog if i don't? truth be told, this dog doesn't know the definition of love or friendship. instead, the only thing this dog understands is complete devotion. if i am not completely invested in this dog's life then i am not considered a friend.

what is the definition of friend? i understand that it should be a mutual relationship that involves respect. why do i have so much trouble asking for this? i need to learn to draw boundaries. anybody have some chalk?

things i know to be true

ever have something happen to you and you undergo a type of out-of-body experience where you can't believe what you just heard so you forget about it until later when you tell someone the story, then the person says to you, "oh my god, i can't believe that person said that! what did you say?" then you admit you said nothing because you were too stunned to say anything.

i know this really happened to me and it was like a switch was flipped in my head and i woke up.

i am standing in the parking lot of my kid's school. my "friend" is yelling at me because i am not able to come over to her house and sit in her basement to listen to her tell me how hard her life is and how unhappy she is. the reason i am not able to do this reallly fun activity is because i need to be with my children. my husband was spending the evening at the bedside of his friend who was dying from brain cancer. someone needed to be with the kids. i am mother, that is where i need to be. my "friends" response was....wait for it.....wait for it......"give me a break! what about me? when are you going to make time for me? you are always busy at home now. didn't your husband go over there yesterday? now he is going again tonight? give me a break! when are you going to make time for me?"

i was stunned! are you? is it just me or is this "friend" out of her fucking mind? it was as if someone threw a bucket of cold water on my head. friend? obviously i have a different opinion of what it means to be a friend. i just kind of looked at her, turned and walked away. what could be said in such a situation?

ah, LENT

tis the time of year when i reflect on what kind of person i am and what kind of person i want to be. i want to be the type of person who can give up coke and not feel like killing my family. you must understand that i am the type of person who would have a coke in the morning and think, "breakfast of champions." i am dreading the headache from the withdrawls. on the one hand, i will feel so much better, not filling my body with empty calories. on the other hand, coke is just about the perfect beverage. yes, i know how terrible coke is for you, the affect it has on your insides, and your teeth. i tell you....i don't really care. i love coke. fuck pepsi. coke all the way every day.....but not for the next 40 days. who knows, maybe it will last longer than the 40 days.

my monkey boy told me i should try to give up coke and using junk words. i love them both sooooo much. it is hard to give up one without falling back on the other. i will give up the coke, but i am going to need those junk words. cover your ears.

awake

ever have the feeling you have been completely asleep for days, weeks, months, even years at a time. i have just risen from a long and unhappy sleep. i was trapped in a black hole of bleakness, depression, and misery. and we all know that misery loves company. and what miserable company i have been keeping.

but now i am awake. awake and alive. i live each day like it is a gift. a gift to spend with my darling husband and children. blessed am i!! blessed to be free from an unhappy exsitance where a person lives for themself. where my daily life was not my own. where my judgement was clouded.

now i can be myself. i am allowed to live my life as i see fit. i live for my family. i am blessed to have this life. i realize each day that i am surrounded by love. love that i give and receive. i have no room for that empty and sad darkness of my past life. i am awake and alive!! amen!