don't mind me while i push this rock up a hill....

these are things i could do without:

being a referee for my children

being a maid (and not a very good one)

being told "don't worry" which is like telling me hold my breath for an hour

being petty, so petty that i hate people for their successes

being completely indifferent to my own appearance, other than loathesome

being in charge of finding fun activites for the kids

feeling like i would rather be anyplace than where i am

cleaning up the endless amount of crumbs around my house

being my own best friend


let me just say that when the blues hit, they take no prisoners. this is something that people who have never experienced depression can never understand. i once scared the shit out of someone when i described how i was feeling. it was like a small, cold metal ball was rolling throughout my insides, flattening all of my organs until i was completely hallow. i had become a shell. this person i had become was completely unrecognizable. i would spend hours staring at my refection trying to find some sort of human existance. i was unable to leave the house, sometimes i couldn't leave my bedroom. life had become like a blinding white light that burned. this may seem very melodramatic to you, but try spending 48 hours without sleep, talking to your cats and staring out at traffic. yes, i once lived in the bell jar.

sure, my medication helps, but i don't like living with a crutch. but, without it i fall down. ironic?! beats me. now when i fall, it is not as bad. now it is more like, FUCK, I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF ANYBODY OR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW. i think this is not so much depression as it is motherhood.

SSDD