well, there isn't

when i was young, and yes i am old enough to be able to use this saying, i thought about how small and meaningless my life was, that there was something better and greater. i would spend hours dreaming about the life i would really live, once i got this preliminary life out of the way. it was if i was practicing for something great. as if i was an olympic hopeful, trying to establish my existence. that one day, i would grow up and this would all be some memory i would fondly recall, sitting at a fabulous dinner party, having one too many glasses of wine.

"....ah, yes, i did once wonder what would become of me. i once worried that i would amount to nothing. as you can see, with all my success in the {PLACE NAME OF FABULOUS OCCUPATION HERE, AS YET UNDERTERMINED} this is not the case, thank God"


the truth is, there isn't any OTHER great life waiting for me. this is my life. and, honestly, it isn't that bad. in fact, it is pretty good. life is what you make it, got to take the bitter with the sweet. this is my life, for better or worse. most days it is better. i know i complain and vent endlessly about my life, but i wouldn't trade it for any thing else. so, ok, more nap time and quiet dinners would be nice, but i have so much great stuff---not really stuff as much as people. hey, it is never boring around here.

my children are becoming very well trained. nik will enter my room in the morning and ask if i am awake yet. as always, i am not ready to get out of bed (why didn't the children inherit my hatred of early mornings?). nik then goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge and brings me a cold coke. yes, the breakfast of champions! nik always delivers my coke with a smile that warms my heart and a desperate plea for me not to kiss him with my "terrible and awful morning breath." emma wakes me up by pushing my eyelids open saying, "ok, awake now mommy."

i once dreaded the kids waking me up. i asked nik one morning why he insisted on waking me up as soon as he was awake. "i am lonely without you," was his reply. can you imagine? these fragile little creatures actually WANT to be with me as soon as they wake up. my husband isn't that excited to see his creature wife first thing in the morning.

why do they love me? what is it about me that they cling to? i am honestly not that nice of a person. nik and emma have supreme confidence in my abilities. this absolutely floors me. and even when i fuck up, which is at least once a day, they return to me sure that i am the one person who can fix their problems. i can't fix mine, but i am like a superhero to them. they don't care what i look like, in fact they are convinced i am the "pretty prettiest mommy in the entire world AND earth." they believe that i have the answers for EVERY SINGLE QUESTION. nik says it is because of my big forehead which apparently holds my gigantic brain. they are amazed at my courage at shunning the fear of dark and spiders. i have also impressed them with my ability to yell and swear at other drivers on the road. after a sudden outburst at an idiot on the road i heard my son whisper to his little sister, "see, mommy is in charge of everybody." emma replied, "i already know that, nik!" i didn't know that. i have always thought it would be easier to be in charge of other peoples lives instead of mine. there would be no sense of attachement.

truth is, i like this attachment to my life. i am invested in these children. i don't hate my daily life. it's just that sometimes i am hit with the realization that i am someone's mother. that is really scary for a person who has yet to grow up herself. my husband has made me a better person, but it is my babies that are making me a mother. it is the day in and day out grind of attending to their every whim. i am here, this is my place. yes, it is dirty and noisy and completely thankless, but it is mine. this is the other life i was dreaming about. only it is better than my dream life in so many ways. i will never understand why these kids think i am up to the task of being their mother, but their belief in me is astounding. it is my job to live up to their expectations.

does it get better than this? no, because it never ends. the minute these little people passed through my body into the world they became my life. day by day i am learning to embrace this gift. not to say that i don't dream about more peace and quiet, but...well, when you have children you understand that there just isn't any such thing.